Let’s play a game: out-of-control ADHD OR chronic depression?
Or both. Probably both. Definitely both. Knowing my luck.
I have been on some dose of zoloft (aka my happy pills) since I was at least 13yrs old.
I came from a broken home. I tried to unalive myself multiple times. It’s the reason my Grandpa got rid of his gun.
It was logical that I was diagnosed with depression early on. And the reason why I was in and out of therapist offices from age 8 to 22.
I was an overachiever. A stubborn perfectionist to the core. I read 700page books daily. And when I put my mind to something – nothing could stop me.
All while I was constantly checking my shoulder to make sure my sperm donor didn’t find me.
I never once, felt like I fit in.
If I wasn’t in tune with the emotions of everyone around me, I was trying to bend over backwards to please everyone around me.
I hated me. Why was I born with a broken mind?
I often locked myself away in my room, addicted to the new world of dial-up internet. The only place I felt safe…seen.
But fueled by some sort of chip on my shoulder – I was gettin’ those A’s, making honor roll, doing all the things a book smart high schooler is expected to do…
I could have went to college in Hawaii, or Alaska…or Tennessee.
But I chose Portland, 30 mins away in rush hour traffic, because my best friend, my hero, my grandma – was dying.
Or maybe it was because I had no idea who I was. I certainly didn’t have a single clue as to what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I wouldn’t trade ANY of my autobiography for a different experience.
This is my story and I needed to live the experiences I did – good, bad, ugly, and sometimes torturous – to be able to feel this layer of plastic wrap pulled so tight I am choking.
I can see the other side. Where the grass is greener because I can finally see it.
But that damn plastic wrap won’t budge.
No matter how far I back up – I just can’t seem to break through.
It looks so warm and peaceful over there.
I can finally feel my neurons kicking in to high gear as my hands write the to-do lists and plan exciting new routines.
But that damn plastic wrap won’t budge.
An unbreakable barrier. Not an impossible one. But a boss level barrier.
I thought I had it all figured out. Then somewhere between taking the leap and flying – I fell atop a cloud on a no-breeze day.
And it is here where I sit and watch each piece of my life balance on the precipice of surrender…or fight.
I am tired. Am I not enough already?
Today I finally got the girls to do some sort of homework. I would by lying if I said I didn’t dream of sending them back to school.
I am not a teacher. This is my sign –
(Timeout: As I write this, E, our 9yr old, is in the middle of a Cat 3 storm and I am trying to play peacemaker, hostage negotiator, debater, boundary-layer, mood booster delicately. She hasn’t had a storm in many moons. I am exhausted and suddenly realize I am a little rusty when it comes to de-escalating my baby and I want to cry)
Where was I? Ah yes. This is my sign that I – I – um I have no idea what the sign meant. Drawing a complete blank here.
Basically, what I am trying to say, is that my life is never going to be perfect and I need to just come to grips with my reality.
I understand that. I get that. I really do. And I am actually learning how to be OK with the chaos.
But it shouldn’t be this hard.
I finally have collected all the pieces of the puzzle.
I just need the space to start connecting all the dots.
I need to find the sharp object that is going to finally break me free from this prison.
I know who I am now.
I am a complicated badass.
My favorite color is currently blue. And purple. And black and gold and red.
I love leftover cold pizza from Papa John’s. And I could listen to the drumming for runners playlist on Spotify all day long.
I am a bleeding heart hot mess mom whose kids basically have free reign because we are on Day 589 of a pandemic that Just. Won’t. End.
And I am a passionately determined warrior who doesn’t back down from a challenge.
What happened to me? Where did a stumble and go careening down the side of a jagged little cliff? Why can’t I make any forward movement?
I wouldn’t trade my world for anything.
Because at the end of the day – I know who I am.
But that damn plastic wrap won’t budge and I am beginning to experience an out-of-body suffocation.
I. Just. Need. To. Find. Something. Sharp.
The sad part, is that many of you – my readers – are going to start worrying that I am depressed and/or suicidal.
It’s logical because I have chronic depression that has robbed me of many happy moments over the years.
However – I am finally at a place in my life that I couldn’t be further from the place where my suicide ideation thrives.
But this place – the place I have finally found some solace in – is only temporary.
My soul aches for the place where every gear works in unison.
The place where the to do list doesn’t turn into nightmare fuel.
The place where my hardwork and all the risks – finally pays off.
And that place is on the other side of this damn plastic wrap.
Adventure on with Curiosity my friends. Till next storytime – take your medicines, drink your water, and keep fighting.
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