To my archnemsis Fear,
I have let you control me since the day I was born.
And for the past 33 years (34 in 13 days) – I welcomed you with open arms.
I let you control my life. I let you yell at me and make me feel worthless. I believed wholeheartedly….that you – Fear – had my best interests in mind.
That you would never put me in danger….at least not on purpose….
But here we are….
My bestie passed away April 2020. My soul died upon hearing the news.
You were there to great me with fiery arms and a cold embrace….
By September….I stopped seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…what is the point of living if you are just going to…. die..?
I made a promise to myself to never leave my children without a Mom the moment our oldest was born. So I slept…. as much as humanely possible. Until – and because I love a cliché – during a rare REM session – everything just….clicked…
I was swallowed whole by a Thundering Ocean of Peace…embraced in the crashing waves that melted the cold grip of Fear. As I floated – I saw it…
I saw something familiar….something I recognized from an emergency surgery back in April 2018 that I almost died during.
I saw something I didn’t know I have been chasing after ever since….
I saw what exists beyond Fear….
And I finally understood.
Today, I am finally ready to forgive you my dearest Fear.
You and I have been on a Mad Hatter’s Tea Cup inspired Roller Coaster. At times… the brakes forgot they existed and the safety bar went on vacation.
Cliché alert: I know now….that I needed our Roller Coaster. My soul had to experience all of the trauma, the pain….the shame.. I needed the darkness.
Well Fear – I have decided to not just survive….but fight. I am ready to take a leap of faith off MY Mt. Everest – and experience what exists beyond fear.
For the past 6 months – I finally chose to put myself first.
For the past 6 months – I made friends with my imposter syndrome. I pushed my soul beyond its limits. I have tested and experimented and researched….I have weighed heavily all the options…
For the past 462 days – I have discovered who I am.
I am an Adult…even though I don’t feel like adulting most days (but that’s besides the point)…. I am an Adult and I no longer give you – my old pal Fear – permission to control me. I reclaim all of my energy that I have given you.
My future is coming up. And I am not going to miss it this time. I have a world anchored in living my truth waiting for me just around past this next corner.
But let’s stay friends….mmmkay?!
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