Drowning with Onlookers

Have you ever wanted to NOT do something SO much that you had to just fake it….until you made it?

Well, I do.

In fact, I have been faking so many things in my life, for nearly 33 years, that I consider myself an expert in how to put forth an intricately real facade.

Something changed recently. Something shook loose in my soul.

My heart started beating with more fervor.

Something become clearer. Something had chased away the grey.

My eyes focused on once dull colors now illuminated.

Something just clicked. Something put the gears in line.

My brain felt like the world was finally making sense.

I flew thru the days, as I bounced from one starfish cloud to a unicorn being pushed by the western breeze.

Things were finally making sense. As if I finally had everything under control.

That I could tackle whatever came my way.

I felt unstoppable.

I felt motivated, and alive, and full of hope, and dreams.

Pretty sure positivity and any sort of “looking on the bright side” type of believes – launched out of all of my pores, and tried smothering anyone I came in to contact with.

Basically, I was high on life.

But, what goes up – must come down. Right? I dropped out of Physics after the first week due to major senioritis.

Anyways, let’s go with that theory.

Here is how I reached peak highness:

  • Jan 2nd: 5 mile hike, talking to myself, and coming to an understanding. An understanding that I love myself. And I am ready to put in the work. The real work.
  • Feb 10th: get into an epic fight with my husband where I had to put in to action – what I have been practicing – remaining calm and not being a thermostat.
  • Feb 13th: woke up abruptly, with full body chills as my soul shook lose a childhood memory that is now becoming my catalyst for the future
  • Feb 15th-16th: get insanely drunk, have a midnight date with my husband, wake up with an epiphany that showed me my path
  • March-April 25th: Stay-at-Home challenge…..that I didnt accept. But one that will ultimately be the final obstacle to making my dreams become reality.

At the peak of my high, I felt quite literally on top of the world, yet was forward to reaching higher highs.

The view from the top was beautiful.

Close your eyes and you could hear 4 different birds. You could smell the honey from the beehive across the meadow.

The breeze was silk, leisurely across your skin.

Lungs filled with joy and happiness with each breath (or is that because of oxygen deprivation…..)

As the magic of the peak encompassed my being, the ground beneath me was quickly enshrouded.

As I floated higher and higher, I was getting further and further away from the cracks, and pain, and despair.

My chain that locked me to what my reality is – snapped.

April 23rd – my best friend died. And I didn’t answer her call the night before. And I didnt know until 2 days later.

At which point, the peak I was on – came crumbling down like an avalanche.

Gaining mass. And speed.

At each obstacle the peak came upon, we shattered in to a thousand more pieces.

We hurdled pass cars and buildings and memories and people.

By the time we reached the lakeside, only my battered shell was left, somehow finding a spark of strength to hold on to a piece of that peak.

The water stopped my body slams in to dirt. But then, I began to sink. I had to dig in to an energy source I did not know I had.

Water splashed down my throat. So I kept my mouth quiet.

And I knew, that no matter what, I had to keep holding that piece of the peak. It will be my anchor one way or another.

I could see people start surrounding me. I am guessing they were coming to look at the commotion.

“HELP!” I repeat between gulps of raunchy lake water.

I could see their looks. I could see them pointing at me.

“HeeEEEellP” I screech

“Oh look! There is someone out there! Let’s all cheer her on.” “She can do this!” “You got this!”

“….help me…….”

“One foot in front of the other” “one day at a time” “you can do anything!”

“…………………”

I almost gave up. I almost let go of the peak. I almost decided that I had nothing left to keep me fighting.

But something changed. I dont know what or when. There is no ah-ha moment, or epiphany that I will forever remember.

It was as if, when I finally believed that no one was going to throw me a life ring, the piece of peak I was holding on to – came alive.

My left hand, gripping with white knuckles on to the piece – rays of color came beaming thru wherever it found an open path.

I could feel my strength refill. Slowly. But still enough to keep me from finding out how much deeper I could realistically go.

As I got to a point where I wasnt focused on not drowning – it quickly became apparent that there wasnt a lifeguard on duty, and everyone on the sidelines were not sure how or where to begin to help.

But instead, they helped the best they knew how.

I finally, somehow, made my way back to shore. After I stopped projecting nasty lake water out of every open orifice, my soul understood that I have another chance.

Another chance to get back on the trail. Back on the forward progress train. Back on the climb to the peak.

Last chance may be the 800th chance, but it is not the last.

This chance wont be the last either.

But this chance will be on a trail closer to the ground. A trail that is closely intertwined to the clouds that reach the peak.

I was drowning. I was blaming everyone else. Why wouldnt someone risk themselves, or at least throw me a hand to hold on to?

Because that wasnt the lesson my spirit guides wanted me to learn.

I was drowning. But I had to learn how to believe in myself.

And that….is scary. A belief written by nightmares.

Believing in myself is going to be an uphill challenge. Pun intended. By elimination, it is going to be worth it.

So why not? Why not accept the challenge?

Believing is scary. So is drowning. But frankly, I could use a better view for awhile.

Will this be the last time I fall? No. But this will also not be the last time I get back up again.

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