At the beginning of 2020, I vowed to change my solo hikes up and do something different.
Tuning out my inner voice only worked in that it taught me what NOT to do this next time around.
At first, talking to my inner self was awkward and very tense.
Our conversations were kept professional and to the point.
And it took a few of these weekly sessions to get comfortable enough to start to miss it every other day of the week.
Pre-Pandemic, I looked forward to my Friday Solo Hikes because it meant time to hash it out with my inner voice.
It meant time to come up with a game plan for the next week after uncovering what happened and why the week before.
Man, my inner voice and I had some epic battles. Some conversations left me in tears, others left me ready to face what I needed to. With each battle, I grew stronger.
And then the Pandemic hit and we were under stay-at-home orders (still are).
All that progress, gone. Lost. Forgotten.
I just felt, lost. And unable to move forward. Unable to see past my nose.
So one night at the beginning of this madness we are currently living in, I just needed to talk to my spiritual advisor (yes, I have one. No. I dont care what you think).
It was not coincidence that I contacted her out the blue. This conversation had to be had. And it was a good one.
But she told me about self meditation and self guiding, finding and listening to, my inner warrior.
Huh? I have an inner warrior? That’s actually a thing?
As she told me about hers, and how others have found theirs; how the perfect name for your inner warrior sometimes doesnt make sense but it is what it is.
As she broke down the steps on how I can find my inner warrior, I closed my eyes and listened.
Eh, why not? What is the harm in just playing along?
I mean, I trust my spiritual advisor. But do I really believe in some of this stuff?
I closed my inner eyes, and opened my inner ears as my external eyes and ears were taking in this magical idea, this impossible world, that couldnt possibly exist.
A space, a happy place, that is perfectly suited to me.
In a perfect world, that utopia sounds like a dream.
So what the heck, I decided. And I closed my eyes.
And somehow, in some way, I was fully awake on a muddy path that zigzagged between trees and overgrown bushes as tall as my husbands Dodge Ram 2500.
Startled, I swiveled my head, twisted my torso, and v-stepped in a full counter clockwise circle.
I heard leaves rustling, so I darted my inner eyes to the source.
I could make out the faint outline of dark tree limb. And I only saw it because it looked like it was dancing.
I flashed my perception to the tree line.
Still. Calm. Eerily stormless.
I glanced back to the dancing tree limb. I could feel my inner ears clogging again.
This world is just a dream. It is an impossible reality.
And then, at the exact moment I was about to open my eyes and laugh this experience off, something seized my attention.
A shadowy figure, running from the bushes to the trees. Emerging from the overgrown foliage soundless, dissolving in to the trees.
WAIT!!!!!!! Who are you?
And just like that, I believed.
A shadowy figure appeared as quickly as it vanished.
But its presence remained. As I walked thru my reality, the shadowy figure began to make an appearance.
Unexpectedly at first.
My spiritual advisor told me they were a badass.
I mean, I know I am a badass. At least that’s what I tell myself enough times that one day I will believe myself.
As the days went on, I suddenly found myself consciously seeking this shadow figure.
But as the days went by, then weeks, a few major life experiences shattered the existence I thought I knew.
The shadowy figure, remained a shadow. Cloaked by a barrier I was not ready, or not strong enough, for.
That is….until today.