Finding Anchors in the Storm

A few weeks ago, I talked to my spiritual adviser (yeah….still dont care what you think).

Long story short, I now see a shadowy figure at times under circumstances that can only be described as a creepy humanoid stalking its prey from afar.

Wow. That got dark quick.

Let me rephrase. Long story short, my spiritual advisor turned me on to this notion of self guidance and meditation, and finding my inner warrior that I can call on when I need extra strength, or a friend to talk to.

See? Totally not creepy at all……….

After my shadowy figure appeared for the first time in my inner world, I actually thought alot about her. Him? Them?

Did her name actually start with N? No. I dont like that name at all. She told me I could change it if I need to.

Ah, yes. That name sounds better.

But wait, what if that is not who this shadow figure is? I mean, I havent even talked to them yet. I cannot possibly name something I havent met first.

I decided not to settle on a name. Life happened and I completely forgot about discovering who this shadowy figure is.

Or what, it is.

I just couldnt, or wouldn’t (honestly), make or find the time to tap in to my inner warrior.

Until today.

Today was hard mentally. Grieving is hard. My body just shut down.

Something had to give. I cant live like this. I dont like this existence of me.

So I wrote a letter to my future self. I spent almost 2 hours visualizing where I see myself in 1 year from today. How I want to feel, the things I want to eat, the experiences I want to have.

And that, my friends, felt cathartic to put words in print.

I posted my letter. And as if my soul knew innately what was next on my to do list, my inner warrior sent me a message.

“Close your eyes and find me,” I heard a taciturn voice, illuminating from the darkness.

Huh…that sounds like an interesting proposition.

But first, the husband needed me to help him pick up his tractor. I will have to find this voice later. If I can remember. There is a slight possibility I wont get to it today, but at least I know I am ready for what the universe would like me to know.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Ahhh so this is how my husband feels when I make him wait forever while I am doing something I probably dont need to be doing.

“I am going to go hang out in the car” I tell my husband.

The sun has been filling my car all day so it’s a tad warm. I roll my windows down so that the breeze will break the monotonous heat.

I habitually go for my phone and straight to the one game I have on it.

“Close your eyes. It’s time,” I hear the secretive voice once again.

So I did what I was told to do. Who am I to say no to an inner voice?

I was transported back to the same spot that I stood at that night I was listening to my spiritual advisor.

Overgrown foliage and brown leaves to the left.

A dirt path with pockets of mud underneath me, stretching the mountainside, carefully being respectful of the trees.

That’s odd. I questioned.

To my left, a jungle of perfect climbing trees, covered in a gray canopy.

With a twist of my torso, I look behind me.

Chaos. Pure chaos. Up is down and down is up. Mirrors reflected forwards. Grass grew below ground. Birds were soundless, and nothing is the color it should be.

I carelessly untwist my torso and realized I was holding my breath.

I looked to where I caught a quick flash of this shadow figure once before.

Nothing. No one.

Maybe I need to be patient. Wait a minute. Maybe this inner world isnt fully….downloaded?

I tried to wait. I tried being patient.

Ok so I didnt try that hard.

I waited for half a second and then put one foot in front of the other.

It was like I was walking and the scene was moving, but nothing was changing.

“Where are you? Who are you?”

Silence.

Great. So the one time I am actually going to try and find this supposed inner warrior I supposedly have…and they arent going to show.

I feel the breeze cut over my flesh. I open my eyes. The sun warms the wounds from the sharp shallow gust.

My breath is strained and my shoulders are about to burst my ear bubbles.

Ok, I tell myself. One more time.

I inhale as deep as my diaphragm will allow, close my eyes, and unclog my inner ears.

I am transported back to the same trail. Silently, I walk a few steps forward. Making sure I move slowly enough to take detailed visual notes.

A blue tree frog resting on a furry rock. A curious bird hoping from limb to limb.

A breeze comes as quickly as it goes. Moving only the objects it touches and not a leaf more.

I walk a few more steps forward and see the path of what looked like freshly wet feet. But not feet. Animal track? No, that is not like a paw I have ever seen before.

The stride begins as one shape, and then ends as a shape that definitely does not compliment the first half.

Yeah…good luck visualizing that….

But anyways. Wet tracks. Weird. I dont see any water system close by.

I take a mental note of this whole scene, put an asterisk by it and bookmark it to return to later.

This is important but I don’t know why. At least not yet.

I tighten my grip on my hiking sticks, and re-adjust my pack.

Woah….when did those arrive?

This feels so much better. Where was I? Ah yes, freshly muddy tracks. Looking for a shadowy figure.

Onwards march!

A few more steps of progress, and I heard that same voice that has been messing with me.

I come to a rolling stop. Because hello….full pack….curves for days. It’s hard to stop all this awesomeness instantly.

Oh wait. Sorrynotsorry. Back on the trail.

I came to a stop. And I stood there silently waiting for the shadow to appear.

“About time you showed up. Didnt think you’d figure it out,” the voice taunted me.

“Who are you? Where are you? Why am I here? What is this place?” I had so many questions that just started spurting out.

“WHO ARE Y-, ” I raise my voice, thinking the shadow may not be able to hear me.

“First of all young lady, there will be no raising of any voices in this place. Secondly, you will find out who I am when you are ready.” She calmly revealed to me.

“Thirdly, an answer for an answer. A question for a question. Ask too many, and you may not remember me.

Ask me the wrong one, and you may get what you are not looking for.

Answer with impure motives, and you may not get a second chance.”

The shadow paused.

“If you accept these limits, you will learn what you need to learn. But only when you need to learn it. Do you accept?” The shadow questioned me, with a shallow intensity

“Well yes. I am here arent I? Who are you? What are you? Where did -” I couldnt stop the words.

“Too many questions. This is your first warning. Try again” the disembodied voice scolded me gently

I wanted to know who they were. But I had a nagging suspicion I needed to ask about the wet tracks first. “I saw those wet tracks back there, but did not see a source of water that could cause that. And I have never seen an imprint like that before. Where did you come from?”

“Ahhh. Great observation. I came from, well, the lake. My turn. Why are –,”

“Woah woah woah woah” I cut them off because just ‘the lake’ was not an acceptable answer.

“We agreed answer for answer. We did not agree to the depth of completeness an answer must be to be acceptable,” the shadowy figure told me with resolute understanding.

“Now if you do not mind, it is my turn, I believe. Why are you here?” The figure questioned.

November 21st, 2020 – I never finished this. But now I am ready.