Finding Anchors in the Storm

Wow. In 2.5 months, I have walked 56 miles. That is insane.

The last 12 of those I dug deep to find the strength to hike with a 35lb backpacking backpack on. Filled with supplies I will need on my solo*, combined with a bunch of other random unnecessary stuff I just have been to lazy to remove.

Only items missing is 5 days worth of food, my tent, and my clothes.

Those will be added in 3 weeks. Well, 2 days worth of food instead of 5. Because I am going on my first overnight backpacking trip with a bunch of my Rover crewmates.

In order to earn our Practical Training Strip, we need to hike 16 miles, carrying shelter, with at least 1 overnight. All while making observations of the entire route and area.

I am pretty darn excited.

I have chosen my trails and overnight location. The first day, I will be hiking about 13 miles. The second, about 5 miles.

It’s just how it worked out.

Needless to say, I will be increasing my mileage the next 2 weeks.

I have yet to do more than 5 miles in one hike.

And I am averaging about 37 minutes a mile.

Uphills are killing my time though. I had them figured out. And then I added the 35lb pack.

But I am digging deep. As my husband’s brosband keeps reminding me….get to your limit, and then keep going.

I roll my eyes whenever he says that. Because when I am done, it’s because I have pushed myself past my limit already.

Or so I thought.

Turns out, when I hit my limit while hiking… I am usually no where near the finish line or my vehicle.

So I have to keep going.

I have to dig deep. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Even if the steps are little.

Turns out… I CAN muster up enough energy to get me back to the finish line.

Because guess what? No one else is there to drag my 316lb body (fully clothed) and 35lb pack, home.

And wasnt that my whole point of this journey?

Learning how to rely on myself?

Learning how to trust myself to get me thru?

Learning how to not be afraid, proving to myself that I am capable, that I am strong?

My first 2 hikes this week wearing my backpack, were fairly easy. Little elevation. Ground was smooth. Neither felt like a challenge.

And then I embarked on hike #3.

I already knew this trail would be a bit more challenging.

And I wasn’t wrong. If anything, a “bit more challenging” was an understatement on my part.

I stopped. Alot.

I accepted the fact that I am crazy.

I acknowledged that this could be considered a form of torture.

I asked myself every so often if I wanted to find a shortcut back to the car.

I contemplated sitting on the edge of the trail, slowly dying.

I pondered the meaning of life.

I theorized that everything happens for a reason.

And then I kept going on my originally planned route.

I had to dig deep.

I had to find another gear, and floor it.

And when that gear was spent, I rummaged for another. And yet another.

I rounded one of the final corners only to see a set of stairs.

WHY?!?! My car is just on the other side of that hill!!!!!

My soul tried crawling on all fours back to the car.

But my logical brain said NO! Bigger steps means we get back to the car faster.

And then I arrived. And I looked at my watch.

3.90 miles.

3.90 miles?!?!? Seriously?? I couldnt have somehow found an extra .10 miles between the trees?!?!

So I walked around the parking lot.

Again.

And again.

And then finally!

4.01miles!

I got in the car. And I died.

At least I died in my car.

Yesterdays hike had me sore today.

But the best thing you can do for tight muscles? Move them.

So I did. I did 2.5 laps around a local park that was close to home.

I needed to be close to home today.

This week was hard. On so many different levels.

E has been having an extremely, EXTREMELY rough time at school.

When she hurts, I hurt. I want to bubble wrap her. And keep her safe.

She may have a bully or 2 at school that are deadnaming her. But I am not entirely sure. Her expressive and receptive communication disorder make everything that much harder.

It is as if the universe has figured out my secret disdain of puzzles.

I took E on a mini hike. I dont know if she notices, but being surrounded by trees, frees her. We visited her favorite tree. She lit up. Nature is her home.

On the flip side, I think B and I are moving in a better direction.

True story: I have been explaining to the girls their entire lives about honesty and not lying. And I have been stressing this the past few months bc the lying has gotten out of control.

Well, the other day, I had to find my wallet. B asked why. I told her I had to reserve the party for E for this weekend. She wanted to know where.

See, my girls know how to lie. But they CANNOT keep secrets. Like, at all.

I didnt want to tell B where bc I didnt want her to spoil the surprise for E.

So I lied. I had .03 seconds to come up with a lie.

The pool, I frantically muttered.

Fast forward 2 days, and B and I were driving to TKD. She was telling me about how she has been telling the truth this week, so she should be able to earn TV time.

She was super proud of telling the truth the entire week.

And I told her how super proud of her I am.

And then she starts talking to me about how excited she was for the pool and how she hasnt told E but she really wants to ask her if she can invite some of her friends.

Well great. If she finds out I lied about the pool party, she will never tell the truth again!

Moral dilemmas are the worst.

So I decide to dig deep and fess up.

Sort of.

I told her that the pool was sold out and that we are going to the park. Which isnt a total lie. It’s just not a park with a traditional playground.

She bought it. Sorta. She kept asking probing questions.

I started sweating.

And I changed the topic quicker than a frog’s tongue catches its prey.

I did alot of digging deep this week. Whether morally or physically, it is hard work. Life is hard work.

But the finish line, is that much more sweeter when you know you, alone, accomplished whatever you needed to.

It doesnt matter what your dream is. If you work towards it, if you can learn how to believe in yourself, how to trust yourself, and push yourself to levels you didnt know existed within you, you will be amazed at what you will discover.

I dug deep this week.

How are you going to dig deep?