The Loving Myself Journey: Gate # 2 – 808

If you do not know who I am, or haven’t ran across my post about what 808 means to me, then let me give you the cliff notes version.

I see 808 constantly. Everywhere. Sometimes I do not see it for a few days, or even a week or more. But it never ceases to amaze me that that specific sequence of numbers – just so happens to pop up at exactly the moment I need it to. Not a moment to soon, and not a moment to late.

808 is there at that peak moment.

When I am in despair – it appears and it reminds me to have hope.

When I am in distress – it appears and it reminds me to take a deep belly breath.

When I am in panic – it appears and it reminds me to close my eyes, and exhale.

808 is there at that peak moment that I need a reminder that life is going to get better.

808 is also there at that peak moment that I need a sign that this is right where I need to be. Where we need to be.

When I make a breakthrough with my kids – it appears and it signifies that we are on the correct path.

When I make a breakthrough with swallowing my pride – it appears and it signifies that it will always be there to stand by my side, keeping me from falling.

When I make a breakthrough with seeing an idea thru to fruition – it appears and it signifies that who I am matters.

808 is there at that peak moment that I need a sign that the future looks amazing, and it is within a single tip toed reach.

Ok, so that may have been the 100 foot edition of Cliff Notes. But this version will bring this whole blog post full circle. I promise.

I am on this self-love discovery journey. And I am currently at the step where I need to bond with B, my oldest. Let me preface by saying that all of these steps – are growing and evolving organically.

I am not pushing any agenda. I do not have any topics of conversation added to my calendar. I am letting my relationship with B go where it must at that moment.

For the past few months (ok…years) – the relationship that B and I have – has been strained. For a VERY long time. It has been stressful. I am not her favorite parent. Like at all. We constantly butt heads. I lose my temper way too often with her. Way. Too. Often.

I carry an IMMENSE amount of guilt and pain about this. Trust me. Our bond is about 32.9% part of the reason that I have a hard time sleeping at night.

So last week, I made a conscious decision, that no matter what – I am going to remain calm. No matter how much I want to lose it – I HAVE to stay calm. Like…..annoyingly calm. My voice is at Level 1.5 (out of 5) – 80.8% of the time now (compared to like 8.08% before).

Guilt: 1 Me: 0

I made a conscious decision to have my eye trained on B, at all times. Examining with a finite stare – what triggers her, what makes her engine go, what she is drawn to, what she cannot stand to be around.

I did this exact process with E. 4 years ago to be exact. And I have been utterly consumed with E. For 4 years to be exact.

Guilt: 2 Me: 0

I made a conscious decision to make sure every interaction I have with my daughter, is rich, and meaningful. We have busy lives, so our time together is extremely limited. And what time we do have together – is divided amongst taking care of her sister, all the different directions I alone am pulled in to, and the fact that daddy is her husband. Not mine.

I discovered that I have stopped listening to her. I don’t know when. Or how. I would listen to her voice, but I did not actually listen to her words. I stopped taking interest in what she is truly passionate about. And I lost the keys to what refuel’s and recharges B’s batteries.

Guilt: 3 Me: 0

Despair. Stress. Panic. Anger. Hatred. Guilt. 808 appeared in my life right around the time that my bond with B was grotesquely shredded. Hanging by a thread. 808 has been there at every peak when I needed reminders that the future looks bright if I could just maintain hope and happiness.

And that is where we are tonight.

The bond between B and I – has been under a an insane amount of pressure. The creaking and crackling and buckling, has been increasing over the past few weeks. And today – the supports – collapsed.

Mean and hurtful things were said. Alot of panic was had. And despair. And anger.

I remained cool, calm, collected 98.1% of the time. Stern the remainder. B told me she did not want me as a mother anymore. That she wanted daddy to find a better mommy. That she wanted to be daddy’s mommy wife.

(side note: Any other Friday – I pick the girls up at 515P from TKD to take them to cheer, and then I am home with them the rest of the night. However – tomorrow – I have my sleep study so I will not be home until Saturday morning.The kids will not see me from 830P Thursday night to 6A Sat Morning.

I seized the opportunity. I couldn’t let this potential life lesson go by.

I told her she better be careful about what she wishes for.

I told her she could not call me mommy anymore than. And she told me to call her nobody. I agreed. And then I told her that I would pack up a bag tonight and then I would be gone.

I wouldn’t be there to do dishes, clean her clothes, cook her food.

We got home. I got the kids their food. I went to go dramatically pack my bag. E came running in freaking out.

For a lesson to truly be learned – it must be believed. And for a lesson to be believed – it must be felt. Emotionally. The core must be rocked. The soul – shattered.

Sounds terrible. I know. E was caught in the crossfire. But I could not tell her the truth without her spoiling it. Now now. I made sure I told her I would see her on Sat and I will always love her and be there for her.

I honestly did not know what to expect. At all. Either this was going to work. Or it was going to backfire. I had gone so far as to plan alternate transportation for tomorrow night and already let daddy, grandmommy, and auntie – in on it. This had to be as real as possible.

E wanted to eat dinner with me. So we sat outside. Dogs were in their kennels inside. I came in and let them out. And walked out the door. But I heard the TV on (B was watching it). So I turned back around and I dramatized verbally saying how we do not leave the TV on when no one is in here. It is a waste of electricity. Blah blah blah.

I turned it off. B gasped. And said “I am right here”. I started walking away. “But mom – er K – I am watching that.” I get halfway to the door. Silence. I felt her deafening and defeated silence.

10 minutes later (maybe not even that long) – I am outside with E and we are having a great time. And B comes outside. And she starts breaking down.

(Ok – I do feel a little guilty about this prank. But I have to keep making it real!)

She starts talking to me. I am listening to every word. But E and I are talking. I keep asking E if she can hear that. Or feel that. etc. I kept saying it feels like there is a ghost around. E was trying to tell me it was B.

(Ok – I do feel a little guilty that I am having so much fun doing this)

B is spilling her heart out. She changes her excuses about 4 different times. Explaining to me why she was so mean and ran away tonight – about 5 different ways. I still don’t know if she ever had an honest reason.

But nonetheless – after about 10 minutes of this charade – I reveal that I will always love her. That I will never leave her. That I will always be her mom and that I will be her least favorite person if that is who she needs me to be.

And we hugged. She cried. I held her tighter.

I ran my fingers thru her hair. Moving her hair behind her ears. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. And a dripping nose.

And we talked. We talked, and we discussed, and we ripped open our hearts to each other.

I walked her thru how amazing she is. And how her brain sometimes flips its lid. And that I am going to be helping her, be by her side, and get her to recognize how to close the lid. Safely. Securely.

We discussed what she needs from me. What I need from her.

We determined that we are better together. Strong together.

For our lives to be full of love, and self-love at that – we are a team. And we will be there to help each other.

She will be there to guide me to what she needs. And I will be there to guide her to safety.

This was the most open, most raw, deepest, pure discussion I have had with our kiddos.

And it was beautiful.

As soon as my husband and I finally relaxed and I updated him on how we were going to get to the promising future, I just so happened to glance at my phone.

And there it was – 808

In that moment – time stood still. For just a second, I was at this amazing peak where I can see the beautiful valley as the fog begins to part. For just a second – the rising sun was warming my soul. And in that moment – it was a sign that this is the correct path.

Guilt: 3 Me: 808

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