Can I Love Myself?

This past June, I asked someone, whom I have high trust and respect for, if I would ever lose my extra fluff.

And she replied “Not until you learn to love yourself.”

That statement has been stuck, swishing around my brain, like peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. It just. Wont. Go. Away!

Learn to love myself? What an easy concept!

I love myself! There….I said it.

Oh. Just saying it isn’t good enough? You mean I have to actually, truly, believe it?

After someone told me that, I focused on getting healthy, working on a new me, discovering myself, for the next 6ish weeks.

I went thru the motions. But something happened every time my inner voice started to say those 3 little words “I Love-…”

Sorry, let me try that again. “I lo-…”

Nope. One more time. “….”

I went thru the motions of eating right, working out, living life and making every moment a good one. I was happy.

At least I thought I was. So why could I not muster up enough bravery? Courage? Strength? What trait am I missing?

So I filed away that statement. I earmarked it so that I could revisit it eventually. Besides, for the past 6 weeks, after the TKD fiasco, I havent had the motivation to understand why I do not love myself.

But I think I am ready to start that journey. I am ready to figure out what I need, in order for me to love myself.

So where do I start?

My perceived flaws.

I was an only child. My parents divorced when I was an infant. It was a very tumultuous youth. I truly cannot remember most of my childhood before I was 11/12. I do remember some major events. But I do not know why I have blocked out alot of my youth.

My mom spoiled me rotten. She worked 80 hours a week as a single mom. So I got whatever I wanted. She just gave me money. My dad tried. Whenever we were together, he did try to make memories…I think. But he was mentally ill.

I never was a talker at school. I did not have many friends. And if I did, they didnt last long. I was afraid to speak up and always believed what I had to say wasnt worth sharing (you would never have believed it now!).

I was always overweight. Always.

I ate constantly. Constantly.

I was a yo yo dieter. And failed most times.

I cannot seem to finish most things I start. I dont know why.

I am in debt because I cant face consequences and I have zero idea on how to budget and actually stick to a budget.

I am a freeloader because I am afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I have an MBA but do not actually have a job that I am proud of and can say I utilize my degree.

I can be controlling, and emotional, and passive aggressive.

I sometimes do not know when to close my mouth and not say things I shouldn’t say.

I try to do it all just so someone can tell me they are proud of me, for something, anything. I seek outsider approval.

Because my self approval, is not good enough.

My self confidence in my photography is lacking because I do not want to face critiques. I do not want to put myself out there, only to be negatively judged.

I feel everything and am constantly worried about how others perceive me.

My flaws run deep. At least I feel they run deeper than the deepest trenches of the Ocean.

I havent looked at myself in the mirror in a very long time. A. VERY. LONG. TIME. And if I have to….I strategically only look at my eyes or just one spot, not my entire face. Or body.

I am the photographer. I only just started taking photos of myself.

I freak out on my kids way too often. I expect ALOT from them. Too much.

I spent most of my kids’ early childhood years, being lazy. Super lazy. Super duper lazy.

I do not feel worthy of love. So why should I love myself?

Why should I love myself?

Can I love myself?

I think it is time for me to find out.

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