2B Day 10: How Did I Get Here?

Day 10 – 299.6lbs (Total Loss: 4.4lbs)

How did I get here? I was looking thru old pictures from when I was my early childhood years. And I have ALWAYS been a chubby kiddo. Always. I did go thru a period from 8th grade to Freshman year of college were I wasn’t as large. And then the Freshman 100lbs hit. Oh and I got lax because I met the love of my life.

I sorta worked at it. But always failed. Every fad diet – I failed. Epically. And then my energy zoned in on my kids and all their unique super powers. And I completely forgot about myself for 3 years. I could never justify or lose the guilt if I took care of myself…..until I almost died on the operating table.

But I have never been skinny. Ever. Or at a “healthy for my height” weight. Never. I don’t know how that feels. I can dream about it. Because it has to feel better than where I am now.

I have never been happy with my body. I have never liked to see myself naked. I don’t even know how to look in a mirror at myself. Hell – I avoid the mirror at all costs. I am one step away from covering up all the mirrors. But that is not the message I want to send my babies. They LOVE looking at themselves. And I ALWAYS tell them they are beautiful on the inside and out.

Hell. I only just recently started taking selfies for the first time! I exude happiness bc happiness feels better. But my body – is holding me back.

We are all told to love our bodies. That we are all beautiful. To just love and take ownership of my curves. But to love my curves – feels like a thousand knives piercing my soul. To love my wiggly arms, feels like a dense fog that has settled in for the long haul. To look in the mirror, feels like I am betraying my happiness.

I hide under baggy clothes and a heavy coat (even in 90 degree weather!). I make myself uncomfortable in clothes so that less of my fluffy body is seen. I hide when pictures are taken. Thats why I am the photographer. Maternity photos? Never! Too much of this ugliness would be a permanent record.

This shame I have of the body my soul is housed in – is even taking a toll on my marriage.

I know my husband loves me. He is an amazing guy. I cannot imagine my life without him by my side. He will always be my anchor. The fact that he can change lightbulbs without dusting off the step stool – is a major bonus. I love being with my husband. But the hatred I have of my body – I have a really hard time enjoying being with my husband. I know he loves me. I know he loves me regardless of how I physically look.

But I have a huge mental barrier that I just have not been able to breakthrough. I blame it on being tired (well, that is true 90% of the time). I blame it on cramps (ok thats true). I blame it on x, y, and z. But the main reason I blame our lackluster sex life – is a secret I hold deep.

I don’t want my husband to stop loving me. I don’t want him to look at my body the way I do – with pain. And then realize that he doesn’t actually love me.

How did I get to this level of deep pain in regards to my body?

I have tried numerous weight loss attempts. I have been a yo-yo dieter. But nothing stuck. In fact, I gained back weight 10x faster. As for exercise – once I get in the groove – I stick to it! But it is the journey to finding that groove that I have a hard time completing.

In my family, food meant everything. Food was, and still is, central to everything we do. All food – junk and healthy. We have an overabundance of it. My grandma’s favorite motto was “If you leave this house hungry, that is your fault!”

Food was used as a reward for everything, as a celebration, as a consolation, as therapy. Every holiday meant a huge potluck. Every Straight A report card (which I got ALOT!) meant going to whatever restaurant I wanted to for dinner. For each and every person in our family – they get to choose a special place to eat for their birthday. Family member in the hospital? Large cup of alcohol, and a huge ooey gooey chocolatey desert.

Rewards for reaching certain goals? Food.

Movie night? All the snack food.

Road trip? Yep – as much junk as we can put in the car.

Stressed? Eat all the food. Angry? Here’s a plate full of brownies. Sad? What buffet place tonight? Happy? What a great reason to eat!

Grandma made the biggest meals. She spoiled us. Maybe that was because my grandparents were born during The Great Depression, so the more food you have – the better off you are? I don’t know. I just know that food has ruled our lives.

Up until a couple weeks ago – I spent most of my waking day trying to figure out where my next “food fix” would come from. Or what fast food restaurant was next in our rotation. We were at the point where we were eating out 5 or 6 days a week.

I never had time to make a meal, let alone plan a weekly menu out.

At least that is what I told myself. I made myself believe that I never had the time to take care of myself.

I weighed 314.9lbs (Dr’s scale, not mine) on May 29th. The highest that I have ever been that I am aware of. I also make it a point not to look at the scale. But since that moment, I have made small psychological shifts to how I view my connection with food.

And roughly 3 weeks later – I can honestly say that food – no longer rules my world. In fact, when I was making myself weight loss progress goals – my initial rewards were food based. But I made a conscious effort to go back and make sure no rewards were tied to anything food related.

And that is how I am going to view life. Food is fuel. Food is not a reward. Food is a tool. Food is not the goal.

What I Learned: By shifting my mindset in regards to how I view food – I am more productive and happier. I am now gaining control of what was an out of control train wreck.

Mood: It is going to take a long time to recover from the deep mental pain and scars I self-inflicted. But I am ready to find peace.

Today’s Anchor: By realizing that I do not want my rewards to be food based, is going to open my life up to so many more adventures that I have always dreamed on going on. When I hit my goal – I am going to go Skydiving. Not eat a huge buffet. Because I didn’t earn the ability to inhale more calories. I earned a new experience to add to my memory banks. The potential for new experiences, far outweighs the pain and suffering of not loving myself. And that is today’s anchor.