Finding Anchors in the Storm

I played hookie today.

I do not do that. Ok….maybe I have done it before. But not often!!!!!!! I promise.

I am an obedient rule follower and law abider 94.7% of the time.

But something had to give today. I didn’t realize how angry, depressed, or stressed, I was becoming. It wasnt until my body told me no more yesterday.

Last night I revisited, I reflected, on how I got to this point. My play by play report ended up being so therapeutic, that I am acknowledging it as a symbolic end of a dark period, and the beginning of a much brighter future.

When I originally asked for today off, my plan was to just sleep. All day. And maybe a little bit of housekeeping.

But then I started thinking about it. And I am glad I let my mind roam

Because I had an amazing day.

I was going to wake up at my normal 330am, maybe 4am, go to Dutch Bros, and then head out to the Portland International Rose Garden to watch the sun rise in the East, over Portland.

I woke up. Well, half an eye opened. And it worked insanely hard to focus on the sky thru our skylights. And it was cloudy. Which means no visual of the sunrise.

Phew

So I went back to bed. I could have just kept sleeping. And sleeping. And sleeping. That would have been a magnificent day of doing absolutely nothing.

But I just had a weekend, give or take a month…or 2, of being a pancake…stuck in the side of the couch. And I was actually proactively trying not to do that today. I needed a waffle or a French toast at the very least.

I finally forced my eyelids open, and around 515amish, they stayed open long enough to stand up and put one foot in front of the other.

Slowly, I gathered speed. I hopped in my SuperCar. And I drove to Shari’s to give my engine some fuel. And for the first time, since probably before I met my husband 13yrs ago, I intentionally went to a restaurant, by myself, and ate alone, on purpose.

My meal was totally overpriced but it felt so good not having to be 10 steps ahead, making sure Thing 2 avoids any triggers, and reminding Thing 1 to focus 50 times before her first bite. It was serene. I never realized that you could actually eat a meal while feeling at peace with the world.

And then I paid. And I went to the bathroom because it may or may not be ingrained in my blood that you have to at least try before getting back in the car.

And off I went. It was traffic hour. And I stayed with the slower traffic. I was in no rush to speed up this day. I wanted this calm, at peace, feeling to linger as long as possible. I listened to some music. I turned up the volume. And I sang out loud. At the top of my lungs. With the windows rolled up of course.

I turned off the highway. And began the final 1.5 miles of pure curvy road to my final destination.

Why the International Rose Garden? Back in February, I took a photo of our cherry blossoms. And then I edited it. And the result spurred a new obsession.

I took, and still take, pictures of every flower I could.

And then I realized I had a Rainbow of Flowers.

And my obsession just grew more intense.

And it was then that I decided I needed to do a Rainbow of Roses.

But the roses would not be in bloom for a couple more months.

So I had to wait. Patiently….error 404 that is not in my vocabulary.

Then I had my surgery. And I ended up becoming enthralled by a blooming rose bud.

P.s. this is not the final series. The Blooming Rose is not finished blooming yet.

I digress.

Our lives have been insanely busy the past few weeks. Like more insanely busy than the usual insanely busy. And it is only going to be speed up from here for the remainder of the summer.

I had no idea when I would be able to do anything extra outside of the house, let alone find time to go to the Rose Garden like I have been dying to do. And even if I did…it would be rushed. And I would have had 2 kids running around, screaming, talking insanely loud, trying to prune all the roses without a compensation package.

Needless to say, my attention would NOT have been on the vision I had in my brain.

So I resigned to the fact that maybe next year I will be able to finish this series.

Oh boy. I am glad today happened. I normally always ask if someone wants to go with me. Especially to something like this, to keep me company. Being alone, and stepping outside of my comfort zone, like this, is scary to me.

But with my new perspective on life…to be brave…I kept my adventures a secret until the dinner table last night. This was a journey my soul told me I needed to go on, alone.

My soul has since thanked me.

I ended up spending a few minutes shy of 2hrs up at the Rose Garden. I took 16 gazillion pictures. Ok maybe it was more like 500. But still.

I even sat down for a few minutes,and finished a book as the fountain turned on.

But then it was time to head to my counseling appointment (which was rescheduled from yesterday….and I am actually glad it did. I needed to see the counselor more today). And I drove with the windows down, the music loud, lettimg my fingers glide thru the air.

I did clean the house. Well parts of it anyways. And it felt good. And I finally accomplished the goal I set for myself. And I was finally able to sit down for a few before picking up the kids.

And I looked thru this mornings photos. And I found my favorites. All 200ish of the 500ish.

And I took some amazing photos. Maybe I am getting the hang of this whole photography thing. The composition. The lighting. The story.

Oh, sorry. That’s another story for a different day.

The Brick Wall, now my ally, is helping me down the other side. Carefully and slowly gaining momentum.

There with be another The Brick Wall. Without a doubt.

But now I know that I need to slow down and listen to my soul. Nourish it with what it needs before it gets too hangry.

Today, photography was my anchor in the stormy seas. It brought me to the present. The here and now.

Each click of the shutter took me further away from the pain of the past. And closer towards the hope of the future.