Finding Anchors in the Storm

It’s 1.48am. I woke up and contemplated whether I could go thru life without knowing who the new president was…..so I laid awake for about 10 mins. Eventually I would have to look at my phone. So I ripped off the bandaid.

And….well…fuck

Expect some angry posts from me. Expect some negativity. Expect some questions. Because I just don’t understand. I hope in 4yrs, I am not saying “I told you so”. I hope our gut instincts are wrong. I hope America can recover.

I will recover….eventually. Don’t fucking tell me to get over it, it is what it is, it will be fine.

No…fuck you. Sure, I am white, so I shouldnt be that scared or afraid. Cleay, you don’t know me. I’m not just scared for myself. I’m scared for all people in this country.

But I am a female. Not only a female with a pussy, but one that is overweight and morbidly obese, and now it’s apparently ok to publicly shame and make fun of women that don’t fit your view of attractive.

I am a mother, to a special needs gender creative son who may or may not have to hide who he is because it’s now apparently ok to be homophobic and mock people with disabilities.

I am a mother, to a strong young girl, who is in the prime age of learning about her body and what is appropriate, but it’s apparently ok now to “Grab them by the pussy”.

So to all you trump supporters on my page….still waiting on your answers to last night’s questions. And all I am hearing is crickets.

So again, fuck this shit.

Eta: I have been awake 1hr…and now I’m contemplating what the fuck I am going to do when the ACA gets overturned. There is no way in living hell that we will be able to pay for Bai’s required growth medication. I thank my atheist spirits that at least her growth medication is not life saving medication….but depending on her asthma this year, her inhalers might just become life saving….but my heart fucking shatters for all those parents whose kids have required life saving medication.

Update #2: 2hrs….gave up on sleep. Started a liar of laundry, did the dishes, cooked some breakfast. Wait I digress. No more ACA? I better prepare my goodbyes to an invaluable asset in our lives….my special needs son’s therapist. ACA helps cover what my company sponsored health benefits do not. Without the ACA….there is no way I could afford his therapy. And without his therapy, he wouldn’t have made the progress he has.

Update #3: 3hrs….got coffee, started research on concealed carry and passports. Thought, at least we will have smaller class sizes as undocumented humans are deported (why the fuck do I have to think that??? That’s a tragedy. “Sorry Bai, your best friend doesn’t belong here, she’s illegal and America doesnt want your 6yr old best friend here”)….arrived to work 20 mins early.

I am taking the day, and foreseeable future, to mourn. I am taking today to be angry. To be upset. To feel like the world is ending. But my #NeverGiveUp and #JustKeepFighting and #HaveHope sides…are fighting to come out. But no. I have to take this time to mourn and be angry. Otherwise, my hope will not be as heartfelt.

Update #4: 12 hours….Job#1 done. At Job#2. Tears swelling in my eyes. My anger still front and center. Reading people’s posts that we need to move forward and not stoop to hatred like our opponents. I get that. I do. And my positivity and hope will succeed. But I have every right to be angry. I have every right to be scared. I have every right to fear for the life that lies ahead for my children. And UNLESS YOU UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION – SHUT THE FUCK UP. You cannot tell me when I can stop mourning. Hopefully Trump isn’t that bad at all. But right now, there is nothing to prove me wrong.

Update #5: 19 hrs awake…19hrs of being just numb. And full of anger. 2 threads I was commenting on got deleted……probably my fault. I apologize. Reached out to PFLAG, got a response, going to first support group meeting next week. Reached out to someone selling kitties….no reply yet. I am going to bed. I’m exhausted, emotionally drained, emotionally wrecked, and the uncertainty of the future could end me. So I am going to bed. I have to recharge. I have a family to find the energy to fight for.

#Searching4Hope