Finding Anchors in the Storm

I attempted to write this post last week. But a global event took precedence.

Fortunately, the aforementioned global event seems to hopefully be a tad less urgent and a tad less scary.

Unfortunately, that means that what I wanted to write about – is not so fresh in my mind. However, that does not make it any less important or that I should not write.

So, without losing any more freshness of this conversation I had to have with my inner voice – let’s begin!

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Have you ever had a voice speak so loudly in your ear that you turn to see who is standing so close to you?

Your best friend? Husband? A kid?

Naturally, you expect if someone is speaking in your ear, with meaningful words of wisdom, it must come from someone you trust.

Or at least you are aware of their physical existence in your life.

So you abruptly turn your head, ending up with whiplash.

But no visible being is there.

The voice you just heard, that you could have sworn came from someone so close to you that you should be able to physically touch – isn’t there.

So then you go thru the list of possibilities of where this disembodied voice came from. Am I going crazy? Am I being haunted? Did I get bitten by a bat and now I have supersonic hearing?

No. Those reasons cannot possibly be. The source of the voice must be something more simpler than being haunted by the ghosts of my enemies….

“Hey. Over here! You know who I am! Just look a little closer”

You hear the voice again. As if its the invisible devil on your shoulder, it is now emanating a black aura.

So you take a look around. And then you come to the sudden realization that the voice only you are privy to – sounds eerily familiar.

The voice sounds very similar to the voice you have heard every time you read something out loud in your head. Or every time you have nothing nice to say so you say it in your head.

Ah yes! Its your inner voice that is speaking in your ear.

Your trusty ‘ol friend because hello! it is an extension of yourself. So it has to be trustworthy.

Now that you have discovered the source of the voice that startled you so much you ended up with whiplash, your heart beat is now returning to normal, allowing you the ability to focus on what your inner voice was trying to tell you.

Me: Ah! You scared me! Can you please tell me again what you whispered in my ear a moment ago?

Inner Voice: You should kill yourself.

Me: Woah woah woah. W.H.A.T?

IV: You deserve to die.

Me: What?! Why? How dare you!

IV: Your family would be better off without you

Me:………..says who?

IV: Everyone. You are too controlling and demanding and start all the fights at home.

Me:…………………

IV: See. Even you cannot disagree with you, er, me.

Me: …………..

IV: You should die.

My inner voice was so convincing. I trust this inner voice. It is a part of me. How could my inner voice be so mean and cruel.

Unless, of course, my inner voice is right. Maybe I should kill myself.

I was on my 1st break of the day at work. I walked to my car. With tears welling in my eyes. I unlocked the car. Opened the door. And before I could sit down, I started sobbing.

This particular conversation happened Dec 9th, 2019 at 703AM.

My head started throbbing.

And my inner voice started taking control.

…I almost let it.

Instead, I sobbed myself straight in to a much needed 8 minute nap.

I was beyond exhausted. The night before, I didn’t get any sleep. The family drama that occurred, hurt me to my core.

Christmas is my most favorite time of the year. The magic. The lights. The time together. The spirit. The cold. The time to slow down. I love it.

But the night before, my Christmas spirit was extinguished. (side note: I almost got it back but then my Grandfather-in-law passed away the following weekend).

So I took that nap. Not because I forced myself. In fact, I wanted to know what else my inner voice wanted to tell me. I was starting to figure out how to make my inner voice’s desire come true.

Instead, my body made me to shut down. To do a hard reset and reboot.

And thank goodness it did.

My inner voice went rogue and it needed to be stopped before I caved to the peer pressure.

After work, I went home, and slept pretty much until Tuesday morning.

I have had suicidal thoughts in the past. As in 17+ years ago. My grandparents used to have razor blades all over the place in their home office.

I would take one occasionally and make marks on my wrists. I never did have the courage to push harder and deeper.

There was even a time I threw the front door open, ran upstairs, and grabbed my Grandpa’s shotgun from his bedroom closet, and threatened to shoot myself.

He immediately got rid of that and all guns in our house.

So the idea of suicide, is not new. But it has been a very very long time.

Today, my thoughts are more like – I just want to run away for a few hours. But I could never EVER leave my husband or my girls.

My inner voice should know that. But it glitched.

And if my body didn’t do a forced restart…

Nope. Not going there. It is not a possibility.

My inner voice that day rattled me to my core. It was such a powerful voice that if I close my eyes and silence all the other noise – I can still hear it as clear as a freshly windex-ed window.

I didn’t hear that voice again once I woke up. But my soul still ached. How could I betray myself like that?

Depression is an intensely unique roller coaster. No 2 journey’s are the same.

My soul was stuck on this particular roller coast for 25 days. Christmas was painful. So was New Years. What am I celebrating if I am just on borrowed time as my inner voice would have me believe?

As I am writing this, tears are starting to pool in the corner of my left eye.

So I had to have a talk with my inner voice. And I had to hold its hand, and walk thru the deepest jungle with her.

We had to come to an understanding. We had to dig deep and figure out her trigger points.

My inner voice and I, had to get on the same page again. Because while she went extreme rogue on Dec. 9th, we have been lost in translation for a very, very, very long time.

So on Jan. 2nd, 2020, that is exactly what I did.

More on that in my next post.