When I started writing down my thoughts last Wednesday, the intent was NOT to turn it into a story. The intent was to REMIND me of things I wanted to remember.
But then, I kept writing and unloading random ramblings, and, well, here we are.
Just a heads up: Punctuation is almost non-existent. Formatting is laughable. Proper grammar, well, let’s be honest, has never been my thing. Paragraphs aren’t a thing here. Headings and subheadings – HAH. Some things will make zero sense. And I have only made about 5 edits before posting this.
These are ALL my thoughts I have had over the past week. From the real, the raw, the vulnerable, the happy, the sad, the ugly.
So, keep reading. Or not. You do you, boo-boo.
4.26.23 Wednesday Thoughts:
- 9:19pm: Maybe my stories should be more in the moment, streams of consciousness.
- 9:43pm – 948pm: lol, well, I certainly switched things up – my home screen layout and my habitica avatar. Neither of these were anywhere near my mind, but I had an itch that needed scratching and it was only when, after I fought my resistance to changing it up bc I hate change but I also had a wild idea and then didn’t like how the one square icon placement looked and after I changed up my habitica avatar bc I checked my stats for the first time in probably months even though I have been checking in and checking the things everyday for the past at least 5 months, did it finally hit me upside the noggin that Laguz was right, it was time to switch things up. What I didn’t expect is that before I remembered today’s Laguz pull, the new home screen layout felt a little freeing. And then it hit me. I followed my intuition.
- 950pm: I am a visual person. I love balance and asymmetry. I love contrast and bold. I love lines and keeping the eye moving. I love dark with the bright. Bc I am Unafraid of the negative space within my story.
- 1030pm – 1031pm: I just felt something click. I am ready. For what? I am not actually sure. But the click felt at peace.
- 1047pm: investigative – multiple cause and effects that play off the previous one and clues that subconsciously opens your mind to be on the lookout
- 1115pm: I always tell the kids that if they catch themselves saying they will do the thing later, they definitely won’t, so do the thing now. None of us listen to my advice, not even me, but it would make life simpler to just let go and do the thing without a second thought.
- 1124pm: …and just skip the whole 3 mins waging an internal monologs debate war between my inner later and my inner right now
- 1127pm: holy shit, April is not my month. My grandma, my hero died April 6th, 2010. My best soul sister friend died April 23rd, 2020. I almost died April 17th, 2018. I feel like there might be a few more “proof that April and I don’t belong together” events but I can’t remember them now
4.27.23 Thursday thoughts:
- 549pm: Uh, shit. I forgot what I wanted to remember 25 minutes ago bc I got sidetracked by 4 other sidetracks that I didn’t want to forget and I am pretty sure I forgot 2 others…
- 616pm: ROVER KNOWYA DISCORD CHANNEL. Ok, so I can’t remember if this was the original sidetrack or one of the 2 sidetracked sidetracks, but I remembered 1!
- 846pm: In my quest to become an enigma, my 10 (almost 11) year old was born one. I can completely figure her out one minute, and not understand her the next. She loves loves loves school one minute, and I cannot bribe her or figure out why she hates school the next day. There are other enigma-esque traits she has but I’m about to pass out and a migraine is setting in.
- 903pm – 915pm (with a few minor interruptions): I just want you all to know that I am still changing things up around here. At least in regards to my phone organization. Oh and the tax man meeting went well. We owe a lot less than I had believed and we will be out of that tax hole much faster than I expected. Oh, and, the tax man made me feel much better about my side hustles and how taxes on that all works. So, there’s that. Oh and I pulled the Tiwaz rune for bravery and courage and pushing through the discomfort with the intention of how to basically survive this meeting without puking or running away, so that was brave of me and I read that when, oh and I have had SO MANY SCOUT IDEAS!!!!!, back to reading that when Tiwaz and Sowilo (for sun and victory) are together, they are an almost unstoppable force, so I made my first bind rune and, whether it was the placebo effect or not, it worked. I felt unstoppable and ready for possibly the worst news.
- 952pm: I had another thought I wanted to remember and went to write it down but got distracted by stupid YT video clips that my husband is watching
- 954pm: oh yeah! Living List #129 – beach next to runway with jets that knock ppl on the beach over
4.28.23 Friday thoughts:
- 720pm: I messed up. I advocated and applied for a non-profit discount for the website for our scout group. It was just $61 for 2 years. I was excited. I got everyone excited. Finally got approved for the discount. Turns out, I made a logical miscalculation and that discount gives you 70% of the plan, which, for 2 years is $600 but with the 70% discount, it will be $180 for 2 years and the $61 was just an admin fee but $180/2yrs is so much better than $600 so now I am trying to figure out how to either break the news to the GSM and group council that “hey, I effed up, give me more money” or do I eat the cost on my next paycheck? Gah. That is not right now Kelly’s problem. Fudge.
- 834pm: in the mcd drive thru line bc munchies, I fell in love with my POTD today. The title came instantly: Beautiful Decay. Chills, man. Chills.
- 836pm: E had her first play date AND IT WAS A SUCCESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
- 905pm: when I let things flow naturally, interesting and cool and exciting things happen naturally, organically, kismet-ically. Power of the universe man. Power of the universe.
- 911pm: Why is the opposite of “easy peasy lemon squeezy” “stressed depressed lemon zest” and not “stressy depressy lemon zesty”?
- 1004pm: for things to happen naturally and click for that aha! moment, I can’t force anything. I trust the Universe and I trust my spirit guides to get me there not a moment too soon, or a moment too late.
- 1016pm: ya know, I write some interesting things under my POTD that, in my brain, sound all inspirational and shit, but when I hit publish/post, I laugh bc most of the time what I write is raw and unedited and don’t make sense to myself, so I doubt ppl will get what I was trying to say bc I don’t half the time, but whatevs, I am doing this for me and anyone who joins along is just cherries on the top.
- 1029pm: while E was on a first play date with her friend, I hung out with her friend’s parents and felt like I was on a first date also. Awkward and way outside my comfort zone, but watching E actually play with a friend outside of school warmed my cold, dead, heart.
4.29.23 Saturday thoughts
- 951am: we are kidless for a few hours and I am panicking a bit. This is the first time we have sent the kids alone with anyone including my cousin (Uncle Chris) and this is his first time alone with the girls. B started her period so she is grumpy and E is sooooooo excited, but I’m worried about her being too excited and balancing the cliff towards sensory overload but E has been doing so well these days, I won’t hold my breathe too hard.
- 301pm: notes from my Vibe Time journal #3: “Being a writer, I live to break rules. I am a writer because I am a rebel. I am a rebel because I am a writer”
- 811pm: well, I finally got my groove back and even announced my next book on social media. I went in knowing I could easily become addicted to the adrenaline rush writing a story brings me. I know I need to find balance bc I just realized what happens when I get lost in the rush and the withdrawals. I hyperfocus so hard that nothing else matters around me. Ok, so, not the kids or pets, but the housework, the clothes, the dishes. But now that I am thinking about it, I have been working on asking for more help and handing the kids more responsibilities bc daddy will be traveling soon for who the hell knows how long and its just gonna be us. Anyway, yeah.
- 836pm: auntie went to take the strawberries off the table and asked E if she had all she wanted and she said, matter of factly, “yep! 5 scoops!”
- 856pm-905pm: E has had 2 AMAZING days back to back and I am SO happy for her and excited for her and my heart is overruning with love and admiration at how far she has come bc even up till last year, I never could have dreamed that a year later she would have her first playdate and then her first adventure without me or daddy, with her uncle c that she has never spent time alone with, well her and her sister. But my fave memories as a kid, was my adventures with uncle c, and she got to ride in her fave car – a tesla, to go play on the beach/next to a river – her 2 favorite places. And tonight, she like, stopped me and voluntarily hugged me and told us to have a good rest and where is my E? Could this all be due to lupron? Nah. What I wish I wasn’t waiting for, is when the sensory hangover hits. I am so damn proud of her but I cannot forget history. Tomorrow we have a slow, only eat bday cake (bc it was frozen tonight accidentally), do some laundry and dishes, clean the living room, and then just lounge. So, if she has a sensory hangover, we have time and space.
- 943pm: I am writing this down now. Mark this as the night E fell in love with astronomy and the stars and the night she told daddy he was wrong lol
4.30.23 Sunday thoughts
- 808pm: lol a) I just realized that I haven’t put any random thoughts here today yet. And that’s bc I have been working in my Vibe Time and scout journals all day today like I tend to do on Sundays. Well, mostly my vibe time journal. I just finished journal #3 of the year and have officially started journal #4. By the end of the year, I will basically have enough for a full grimoire! I am thinking about getting a really cool, leather journal that has character and mystery. And b) 808 is a special number to me. It represents my spirit guides (started as just my grandma, but now includes Papa and T). Either they are encouraging me when I’m going through a rough time, or encouraging me to let me know I am on the right path, or their way of saying they are listening when I talk to them or seek their guidance. I usually see the number after I ask for a sign, for instance, I asked grandma to show me a sign when she had Papa. At 808pm, the night he passed, while we were at dinner for a break from the hospital, I looked at my watch and knew that they were together. While he didn’t flatline until the moment we got back (which was like 822pmish – I knew grandma had him. I also see 808 when I just need a boost or a quick reminder that I am doing the right thing. But on bad days, I see it constantly, license plates, times, addresses, random places. There has been times when I don’t see 808 for a few days and I start missing them.
- 826pm: every word I write, every photo I take, is intentional. I carefully plan placement to be where it has more of an impact and fuels movement. Even if those placements and intentions aren’t the correct way according to society. I am an artistic rebel bc I live to break rules.
- 912pm: I don’t remember how I went from reading to editing photos but I just realized I stopped reading when I decided I wanted to take a class, or at the very least learn on my own, which I am doing with scouting and runes, more about photography and what the the editing things can do and mean. Yep. I’m ready for that.
- 922pm-930pm: do you know how many categorizing and organizational strategies I have in this overloaded brain of mine? A fuck ton. That’s how many. For instance, organizing my photos. I used to have a system for years that worked great. And then I hit a dark depression that lasted years and organizing my photos took up spoons I didn’t have, so I learned my lesson the hard way (side note: even my run on sentences and punctuation placements are intentional, even if they break rules.) Anyway, the hard way was that I spent 30 hours (I could be lying, but I know it was more than 10) during winter break between organizing photos on my phone and photos on my computer. Needless to say, I HAD TO START CONSISTENTLY ORGANIZING MY PHOTOS and DOCS and FILES. so now, on my phone, I now have a whole folder with folders of different categories, a whole folder with folders of different scouty things, a whole folder with folders of my photography work (including the random ones I will never publish), and it goes on and on and I even have a habitica reminder to remind my monthly to organize my photos. I could take a screenshot…..hmmmm..Anyway, long story short, I sometimes forget and mix up my own systems and it is aggravating but not as aggravating as spending 100hrs organizing thousands upon thousands of photos and things.
5.1.23 Monday thoughts
- 818pm: I just finished the zero draft of the 2nd chapter of my book and I AM EXCITED. I may be biased bc I am the writer. But shush. Also, I have changed the layout and organization of my phone SO MUCH in just the last few days, that I am averaging 2 extra clicks before finding what I’m looking for. This is why change is hard. But, I will do as I tell my husband and my kids when I change things around in the house, like where the Tupperware goes or what drawer the utensils are in, and I will suck it up and get used to it. Man. My advice has a way of coming back and biting my ass while teaching me a lesson.
5.2.23 Tuesday thoughts
- 910am: a) last night was the first night I didn’t bring any munchies up to bed to eat before sleeping. I did bring up an emergency banana but I didn’t eat it even though my toddler brain was yelling at me and throwing a temper tantrum. I wasn’t really hungry. Just trying to break a bad habit bc I am getting serious about my health and I need to get my blood sugars down, and it worked. Lowest number this morning in a long time – 179. Also, poverty does wonders for your blood sugars. Anyway, I woke up not hungry and thankful I didn’t give in, even if it was just a banana. B) I can’t remember what the other thing was I wanted to say.
- 521pm: I have a secret and I am not telling anyone. But I am starting to panic about our 16miler. The closer it gets, the more anxiety I am having to actively having to battle.
- 647pm: so, during vibe time tonight, I broke down what needs to be done to get ready for my 16miler and to ease my anxiety bc making a schedule is something I could control. Well, I eased it. And then, when I went to go repack it this evening after dinner, it hit me. I left my pack in my car. Which isn’t normally a problem, but it’s currently at the shop. I thought I would have my car back by now, but nope. So yeah… but, I came up with a plan. My bestie is going to pick me up in the morning and then take me to the dealership and get my pack on our way to the trailhead and I will be bringing the things I need to put in my pack and just pack it when I get to the TH. I got this. Also, I Freudian slipped I conquer instead of I concur to a long hike tomorrow to prep for that 16miler that has been hanging over my head for 4 years.
- 910pm – 920pm: There is a god damn snake in our downstairs wall. A cat brought it in, E told daddy, daddy went to try to get it, and the snake said nope and is now going to be the reason I get zero sleep. I am so glad that my husband didn’t eat the special oatmeal dream cookie before he had to stop partaking, so I’m going to eat the whole damn thing and chec out of reality. I made my husband put duct tape over where the snake went in at and check the dog kennels before bringing the dogs in bc when I say I loathe the existence of snakes, I am about to burn this damn house down. But now I can’t bc it would be premeditated. Dangit kelly! Gotta stop doing that. Anyway, I finished chapter 3 today and I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN. Even with an impending migraine caused by a hormonal Oregon and a boa constrictor on the loose in the wall that rests against our headboard (albeit on the first floor. But we all know snakes can’t climb walls……..), between all of that, I wrote 2332 words today and can already tell the difference between writing my 1st book and this one. I am quite literally letting it all flow. I have zero clue where it is headed. I have very vague ideas that are more clouded behind fog than mist, but it’s happening, folx. N#2 is in progress!!! With N#1, every word, while I let them flow, felt forced. But with this one, I am literally having fun. I almost didn’t even write tonight. I only had an opening sentence in mind. But then I sat down and wrote that sentence, and then another, and another. Some people need to be surrounded by water to feel at peace, others by trees, or animals or cars or music. I feel at peace when words that I have no clue where they originated from, leave my fingers. It’s cathartic. Like my soul is speaking its native language and I am here for the ride, learning more about myself and how I interact with the world around me every time another word is added. Full. Body. Chills.
- 1201am: imposter Syndrome just hit fucking hard. I am scared that I will fail at this 16mi goal and not only let myself down, but also everyone that goes with me, and those that have supported me. I have never done anything like this bc of my size. 4 years ago, I was 320ish lbs and could rarely took a hike more than 5 miles once a month, and now I am consistently hiking 6-9 miles in 4 hours. Like holy sshit. I AM a beast. That’s why I am Scouter Beast. Bc I set a goal and I get it done. Yet I still don’t believe I will survive. Right now, thinking about tomorrow’s woods day, or rather today’s woods day, I am straight up panicking that I won’t make it back to the car 9 miles later. And here I am, at 1206am, wide awake, fucking stoned out of my mind on a cookie that normally knocks me the fuck out. And when I say the fuck out, I mean dreaming of absolutely nothing, the voices in my brain power off, and I wake up with drool. And that’s on half a cookie. But tonight, for some stupid reason, I am awake, writing this whole thing and having an existential crisis bc the moment I fell asleep tonight, I rolled over and I thought I could hear an old timey radio show with fake laugh track and all. I even yelled at whatever kid was awake to turn their TV off. But it wasn’t them. I woke up my husband to see if he could hear something….nope. I desperately tried to fall back asleep, adjusting the position of my head but that only changed the frequency of the radio show. It was the most fucked up thing. I couldn’t stop hearing it so I couldn’t fall asleep. I just kept waking up more and more. So I gave up. I rolled back over, powered on my phone so I could read until my eyes wouldn’t open up anymore like I do every God damn night and Idc what you think, it works for me. I started reading when I suddenly realized that I no longer heard the old timey radio show anymore and for some reason, that is why I had an epiphany that spiraled me into an existential crisis. That I still feel like an imposter, even though my brain may think it, and my heart may want it, my soul doesn’t believe it. At least not yet. So, I am spiraling right now about this 16miler bc I failed last time. I may not be at my lowest of 228.8 lbs or lower, and I may not be at my highest of 320ish. I am 254lbs of beast. A beast with type 2 diabetes, hyperthyroidism, chronic migraines, and IBS. The mere fact that I hike 6 to 8 miles weekly without a lot of problem except when the whole damn trail is straight-up hill, should prove that I am capable of back to back 8 mile days. But my soul says no. And I think I just realized why. I need to dig deep. I need to dig deeper than I ever have before. Because I spent way to long never dreaming this could even be a possibility in my life. 4 years ago, my best friend and I were just buds then, but she experienced first hand my failure and the devastation on that first attempt. I finished 11 of the 16. I was 320ish lbs. Holy. Fuck. I can’t let the past keep a leash on me anymore. Existential crisis. That is what that cookie should be called. Anyway, long story short, I am not the same person I was 4 years ago. I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. I am a beast. And if I fail, I fail. But I am not going to. Bc, as my Freudian slip earlier today where I declared I conquer instead of I concur, I need to let go. I need to flow. And I will conquer. Ok. Now my eyelids are getting droopy again and I am worried this has just been a fever dream. Stupid old timey radio. But my soul is feeling a little lighter. I may think I believe I am an imposter. But my soul is starting to believe I am the real deal. Good night. 1230am
- 1232am I am going crazy, aren’t I? See, this is what I mean by trying not to lose myself in this adrenaline rush.
- 1238am: what the heck was in this cookie? I am now hearing a symphony in this other ear. I need to get my head checked out.
- 1241am make a tax spreadsheet for our tax man. Oh and also, I know EXACTLY what was in this cookie. an existential crisis lol jk it was love.
- 1244am: do I just abandon Spirited wolf media all together and wipe it from existence? Have I been holding on to that and is that what has been holding me back? Huh….I got an email from someone that filled out a contact form and wanted web design info. I figured it was just another spammy thing one gets with an online biz presence. So I replied back as I usually do if it looks a tiny bit legit. Curiosity and all that. And they respond. Holy. Shit. They want my help. And I panicked. I wasn’t ecstatic as I thought I would be bc I LOVE making websites. I panicked bc I finally realized that that is not where my passion, my essence, my reason for being, lies. And I am ok with that. I should be mad I am not ecstatic. But instead, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am pulling the plug on all things SWM. Logos and all. Peace. And I am ok with this decision bc I needed to experience all of that to get to this moment of clarity. This is not a spur of the moment decision. This is part of my journey. And here I am, more sure than I am sure I pushed 2 kids out of this beast of a body, have found my one true calling and not bc it’s an adhd impulse, but bc I have been chipping away at my layers to get to here, where I should have been all along if it weren’t for chronic depression, anxiety, and imposter Syndrome. I want to get paid to write my own damn stories like this blog post. I want to write more books and sell at least a hundred a month. I want to adventure and have people buy my photos. And I want to be an editor for other people’s stories. I think I am on my way to the first 2, but the 3rd remains my untamed beast. So, spirit guides and universe, please help guide me along my path to a full time career, doing what I love – writing, adventuring, editing, and photographing, on my own terms and non-negotiables, and getting paid a liveable wage for 4 people. I am so close to the answer, I can feel it. But help me find the missing piece, please? Fuck. It’s 1am. I need to go to bed. If I make 6 miles, I’m gonna celebrate with chickie nuggies
- 108am writing should be fun, you are creating a whole world from your own brain. You call the shots. Screw the rules and the expectations. Have fun. That wasn’t what I originally came here to say dammit but too late now. Oh, I am eating a melted rehardened almond joy because reasons that don’t matter
- 136am I finally understand the meaning of you have to listen to yourself think once in a while. You know exactly what the next step is. You just have to shut up and listen past the noise.
- 141am. I give up. But personal note: Onyx has been on the run since she was 18, and experienced a whole lifetimes worth of experiences until she settled down in the middle of bfe and locked herself away 8 years ago.
- 149am: have you ever laughed so hard your eyeballs hurt? I just did bc my husband discovered I was still awake and I can’t stop laughing. I need a life. Also….. fuck. Now I can’t remember what i was going to writr again after I’ve ignored it 4x already.
- 157am texted bestie about my current existential crisis and asked if we could hike Thursday but I’m not holding my breathe. But in the middle of that question I remembered what I was going to say. I feel like an imposter because I don’t train more than once a week. I love my #5 large dr pepper meal with extra sweet and sour after my woods days. Hell, I love the hot cakes from time to time too. But, I feel like an imposter bc society has taught me that people like me ahem plus size ahem will never be able to do these things. And now that I sound this out loud, I know why I haven’t fallen asleep. I am letting society break through a crack in my armor and now that I know, I can patch it up with a big ol glob of being unapologetically me. I can do 8 miles in 4 hours. I fucking got this. I know how to set up a tent, make my own food, take a Break, put up my feet, enjoy the company around me and the memories being made. I know how to get up the next day and keep moving, keep pushing through. Bc I know, that I have people who are cheering me on. So even if I do the next 8 miles in 8 hours, I will have still succeeded in my goal. Never underestimate the power of a large #5 with Dr Pepper and extra sweet and sour, please and thank you. Boom. Mic. Drop.
5.3.23 Wednesday Thoughts
- 835am: firstly, I have zero clue how I finally fell asleep and zero clue how I am sitting here, awake, with my pack packed and ready to go. Oh, and on that note, I found my pack. Sitting in my office chair where I put it on Sunday before dropping off my car bc past kelly was thinking of future kelly and isn’t that just so nice of her? Anyway, I am only missing a few things – my tent, my food, my trowel, my tp, and the doggie bags to pack any businesses out if I can’t dig. Yay. My food shouldn’t be that heavy, but I am worried about the weight of my tent. But that is next week Kelly’s problem
- 307pm: holy. Shit. 9.13miles, 4hrs 15mins, almost a full pack. I fucking did it. I am more than ready.
- 839pm: as I am starting to settle in to bed, the husband and E are on our deck on lightning and thunder watch. I love it when daddy breaks down concepts for E. E has had an unnatural obsession with all things natural disasters since the beginning of the pandemic. Not many days go by that she isnt talking about one natural disaster or another. And you never know when the mention of one is going to send her into a panic attack or open her up to tell us all about said natural disaster and how to survive. She has a special fondness for tornados, volcanoes, and earthquakes, but most definitely not fires. We actively avoid using that f word around her. I have no idea if she is past the panic attack stage or not and I really don’t feel like finding out any time soon. But I absolutely love watching her follow her curiosities. P.s. the thunderstorm passed JUST south of us. The husband and E are kind of sad. LOL that reminds me, just yesterday, E asked me about thunder and lightning on the way to school yesterday morning.
In the meantime, Adventure on with Curiosity,
– Kelly “Beast” Steele