I have just been feeling…..off.
Adrift in my own thoughts you could say.
And over the past few days…I have watched the light flicker in the brewing storm.
My gut instinct was to deconstruct every moment in the past 2 weeks that have brought us here.
So of course….I happily obliged said gut.
It’s definitely bc of that period with the cramps to he that in hindsight was prolly just my bladder screaming at me that something else was wrong and was only caught a week later after a quick trip to the ER and a visit to the CT machine….
Phew. I need to take a breath. Just writing that left me gasping for air….and not just bc I emotionally binged chips, tacos, a giant hershey bar, a Pudding, and a Costco chocolate muffin top….all in the last 6 hrs
No regrets yo…I have learned that I can pregame pepto.
And I hate pepto….so I rarely go hog wild anymore but I dont owe you an explanation.
Where the heck was I? BRB gotta scroll back up….
Ah yes…using anything and everything as a scapegoat for my negative headspace. I used the UTI excuse for a few days…just gotta rest and relax with zero guilt.
Done and done. I’m getting better at giving myself space.
But then the weekend came…and the 2nd Moderna vaccine…and a failed Mother’s Day which is crazy bc I didn’t even expect anything so I don’t even know why I am so upset about a commercial holiday bc I know better….but I wish I didn’t know better. Fuck equality.
Sorry. Focus Kelly! I am like 50% convinced that my side effects were just bc I brainwashed myself in to believing I was going to be in pain regardless….and when my mom out of the blue said I was probably memorizing all the side effects so I could be lazy all day on Mothers Day bc…..
You know what….not where I am going with this story time today.
Today was one of my darkest days since the beginning of Sept 2020.
I wrote this earlier today:
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I can’t focus on working. I can’t focus on taking care of my kids. I can’t focus on anything but this bottle of Lorazepam sitting on the shelf above my computer. It’s been a few months since I numbed the pain.
Hell – it’s been a few months since I even WANTED to numb the pain.
But here I am….contemplating taking 2 for a non-existent panic attack.
But why?
My life has started making progress towards living. I have 45 days left until I can leave this hell hole I work at and begin a new chapter….one where I am going to have to work harder than I have ever done before.
Just 2 pills and I will feel so much better.
I just know it…
I feel like a roommate in my own brain.
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Either yesterday or the day before – I closed my eyes and asked my spirit guides to show me what’s next….that I am ready….
Ok so at the time…I was still devolving into this blah-ness of a mess.
But! I have been observing that it is in these blah-ness moods – that if I don’t ask for help – I am going to continue to drown.
I have also learned I don’t like this heavy feeling that blocks the sun as the dirt gets taller.
So I asked my spirit guides for help.
I didn’t end up taking the 2 little pills to leave the pain behind momentarily so I could pause my drowning.
Not gonna lie…when I gave my girls their meds….my fingers hesitantly vibrated….it would have been so easy.
I am not sure what my final thought was that helped back me up from the edge…but it worked.
Fast forward to after work…aka the time I have been ignoring my responsibilities for the last 2 weeks…..
Like teaching the girls, getting them outside, working on my biz, cleaning the house….etc
I needed to turn off my brain for a little. So I had one of my Edibles I stashed awhile ago for a rainy day…and scrolled tiktok…
…endlessly….for about 4hrs….until my husband came home….not unlike any other day these past 2 weeks.
Then something random happened. I dont even know what the trigger was…I just know that I came to as I was asking The Google “what moon is tonight”.
The Google responded, “….blah blah New Moon blah blah…”
So me being me…..I went straight to The Pinterest and inquired with them about ….“New Moon spirituality”….
I guess my soul needed a rabbit hole to go down because I scrolled until something caught my attention…..
Upon reading it….the heaviness I have been drowning under……slowly lifted off my skin. I could feel my hair stand as my breath lightened with each passing “mmmmm……ahhhhhhh…”
Now….I am new to the spiritual side of life. I have only recently begun to follow my curiosities wherever they venture too…
One thing I have always been curious about – is the moon cycle and its effects on humans and the Natural World around us.
With that being said – I have had zero chance….or desire….to actually learn anything more than we are about 60% water which would make sense why we are connected to all things water …..
However….the one thing I have been learning with the help of my Spiritual Counselor….Advisor, life coach, physical spiritual, nurturer…. guider….I don’t know what to label her as….maybe my Spiritual Healer…..?
Anyways….the one thing she has helped me to fully understand – and believe….so far- is to trust myself and my guides.
When I went searching for the meaning of the new moon – I was searching for proof that I am in this ugly blah-ness mood bc the obvious negativity that comes from a New Moon must be the scapegoat I have been looking for…….
This was not what I expected: a New Moon Invocation
But it was definitely what I needed to read.
As I read it again to make sure I read what I read…..lol that sentence makes me giggle…oh the joys of the English language….
I let the words sink in a little deeper….let them pinch my soul to remind me everything is going to be OK…
And here I am….425 days into a pandemic that never ends….it goes on and on my friends….someone started sharing it not knowing what it was….and it keeps going on and on my fri—–
Side note: I need more sleep bc I may start thinking I could be a comedian because that is exactly the next ADHD hobby I need to take up…..
Ok ok….I am going to wrap this up…I swear.
I haven’t truly written a blog post for the fun of it, for the creativity of it…for this intense jolt of happiness and surge of endorphins….in about a year.
I didn’t end up taking those 2 pills. And I am glad I didn’t. Because I wouldn’t have felt this adrenaline rush of knowing I am right where I am supposed to be…..
Incoming storms or not….my anchor has always been myself. I just have to get out of my own way sometimes….ok all the time.
The biggest irony? I had called off my bi-monthly appt with my spiritual healer today bc I am lacking funds…. and also feeling miserable bc I didn’t follow her advice about something completely unrelated…….
The moral of the story….the anchor you need to find…..is to learn how to give yourself guilt-free space to feel, baby steps your way to trusting yourself, and get out of your own way.
Storms are a part of life. That’s our Natural World for you.
It’s OK to stall when your sail is ripped in the hurricane force winds. It’s OK to take a moment to STOP: (s)top, (t)hink, and (o)bserve your surroundings so you can (p)lan your next move….
Find a solution. Find your anchor to keep you from drowning. Sometimes you just have to ask the universe for a sign.
