Finding Anchors in the Storm

Dear Self,

I want to thank you for joining the PNPTribe, home of No BS Weightloss on April 1st, 2020.

You might not believe it, but I weigh 210 lbs. We did it!

You have now lost a total of 102.2lbs and you know in your soul that the final 60lbs have been put on final notice because you, my girlfriend, are a badass that doesnt back down.

When we joined PNP, we felt like a brand new parent that experienced all 18yrs in one month – Excited for all the firsts and scared of the unknowns and hesitant to let go.

We started during an insane time of our lives. So insane in fact, that the last thing on anyones mind – was their health.

But not us. No. When we first joined, we felt like we were on top of the world.

That nothing could shatter this, peace.

It felt as if nothing would ever get in our way again. Remember how it felt when all the wires in our brain finally powered on? Remember the tingles, and the clarity that you could realize your dreams with?

The…..electrifying zing. That moment, felt amazing.

But last year we went thru a tragedy that forever changed our life.

Our bestest friend passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. It hurt so much, that we completely lost all ability to breathe deeply, see clearly, think, sleep, dream.

We lost ourselves. We lost that moment that seemed to supercharge every thing we did.

The weeks after Toria’s passing, it felt like we were on a roller coaster ride from hell.

As soon as we thought we were ready to do a little bit more, grief abruptly stopped the ride, and revealed a brand new section of twists and turns.

At one point, we didnt know if we would ever experience that feeling, the…electrifying zing, again.

We started to convince ourselves that maybe there isnt any hope at the end of all this. That maybe that light at the end of the tunnel was just a salesman selling us snake oil to just keep swimming.

Between needing to stay at home as much as possible, to having breaking news be so common that it seems like our TV has a permanent breaking news banner even when it is turned off.

To giving up on this whole distance learning thing, bc when we became parents…..being their teachers was NOT in our job description.

At least not the version we read.

Wait.. it was? Ok so you caught me. I skimmed the job duties and signed as I pushed those babies out.

I mean really, who reads the fine print?

Ok ok! Back on track. Fine.

It’s been a full year since we went thru hell.

And I am extremely happy to report that because we didnt stop believing in our dreams, and we never stopped seeing the light – we have lost a shit ton of mental bullshit.

Our goal weight is right in our reach. But at this point, we believe, no we know, that goal weight is just a number. A number we place no weight in, because we feel like a badass.

A badass that is making dreams become reality with ease.

Every single morning, we feel that electrifying zine as we wake up before our alarm clock!

Yeah….we know! We wouldn’t believe it either if we weren’t living it today!

Yeah….we still give ourself a moment to close our eyes, take a deep breath, relax all the neurons, and smile at the amazing adventure that we call life, as we exhale and come in to the present.

The here.

The now.

Man. I know that it was more than a coincidence that the stars aligned and we joined the tribe when we did.

Our life a year ago changed in a night on so many different days.

Even though it felt like hell at times, I am so thankful that when we joined PNPTribe, we did a whole ton of learning.

Alot of it painful learning.

Alot of aha! moments.

ALOT of overeats and internal judgements were had.

An Everest sized pile of urges were experienced.

We failed 7 times, but then we woke up one morning, and it just all started to click.

Our urges 10 steps below the summit, and we felt great as we slide down the hill, not regretting missing the summit.

We finally believed in ourselves enough that we stopped judging and abusing ourselves.

The painful moments, are still there, and they always will be.

But by making writing and journaling and listening to ourselves, the painful moments started to space themselves out far enough that we forget momentarily what life was like 102.2 lbs ago.

Oh oh oh oh!!!!

I want to tell you how we live now. You might not think it’s possible right now, but that’s OK. You just need to know it’s OK to imagine it and imagine it often.

Just last night, you finalized the group members, found a date that would work for everyone this summer, and you called Skydive Oregon to reserve your jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

Yeah…I know! We are living our dreams. I told you we were.

Wait.. there is another major dream that became reality. You dreamed about going on I-80 across the US and have it sponsored.

Well, it is going to take a little longer than you were dreaming, but it is coming together! I am so glad, we are so glad, that you didnt actually throw that dream away when you tossed it to the wastebasket.

Yeah…we still believe that subconsciously we made ourself miss that shot on purpose.

We almost gave up completely after Toria left. But some part of you innately knew you needed to reach out to join an accountability group.

And thankfully, we always reached out for help. Because on the days life gets in the way, I no longer shut down and abuse myself thru internal self talk or external nutritional sources.

No. I know. It is possible. I remember how hard it was to unplug our inner ears to listen to what we told ourselves.

And even though a nasty sentence flows from time to time still, we know it is just that – a sentence that is going to evoke a thought and we have become experts at changing our action to get the result we are proud of.

And we have so many tools in our toolbelt. Just like how we approach the girls – if something doesnt work one way, we find the next solution, and keep adapting.

And that is how you have come to love experiencing new foods, fruits and veggies especially.

Omg and let me tell you about the garden your mom planted last year!

All that salad and veggies. You cannot go a day without a giant salad of some sort.

But, even with all of these fantastic changes and dreams becoming reality- overeating never came to a complete end. And that is OK. We try to plan it as best as possible. Half the time we write before and/or after.

But we always use the experience as something to learn and grow from instead of verbally abusing ourselves.

I know this is a long letter. But I trust you, you need this information.

Remember when you didnt buy clothes for a year because you hated shopping at Lane Bryant because it was the only place you could shop?

Well guess what, I can go to our local fred meyer’s, or even a thrift shop!!! And damn, we look good in that fitting room mirror. P.s. your husband no longer goes clothes shopping with you because we took too long checking ourselves out!

But let me tell you what, I, we, feel ah-may-zing. We are a badass woman who is living bravely and courageously every single day without a single regret or shameful feeling.

And can I tell you a secret? I may not be able to tell you who wins the election because life a year ago was just too insane, but I can tell you that you rarely walk in to rooms outside of your home perse.

Because you are spending a majority of your time outdoors these days. Scouting and adventuring and writing and camping.

But when you walk in to a room, your shoulders relax, your back straightens, your neck is flexible, and you walk with such strength, you know you are right where you are supposed to be.

While all this may seem like a dream and I know that a year ago, we did not believe in any of this.

Honestly, this future version of us was not easy in the slightest.

We were concerned that we could become too obsessed with weight loss and get burned out that we didnt even start.

Until today a year ago, when we decided we just needed to start somewhere.

But where to start? 24hr plan sure, but I was still overeating mindlessly. A TDL? I still dont quite understand that. A model? A discovery worksheet?

So many potential places to start. We l started to freeze. It’s the loop we get stuck in. The party brain loop.

We told ourselves we felt better, as if we were finally coming out of the grief fog. The next 24hrs determined that was a lie.

You told your husband. You told your coworkers.

We were hurting.

We were experiencing a feeling.

We acknowledged, finally, that we needed to listen to our inner voice.

We realized that our inner voice has a lot to say, and it just needs to let it all go.

As we were listening to Mod 4:Changing your overeating – Intro – Lesson 2: Things that will come up, we were asked to think about the what if side of the equation.

To look at our life from our future selves. To visualize who we will become when we stop all the BS and the overeats.

It was during that lesson, that you knew, you had to jump off the cliff, out of the perfectly good airplane.

And here we are, a year later.

We had to do alot to get to this moment. We still do alot, every single day, every single week, to set ourselves up for success. 24hr plans, TDLs, discovery worksheets, Models, journaling, protocols, future thinking, fearless positive self talk.

And each of those tools, have helped us during the weeks we gained. The first couple times we gained, we thought for sure, we were failures again.

But we never once gave up on ourselves. Some fridays we took an extra moment of self care to remind us to believe in ourselves. Some fridays we decided it was time for a level up. Some fridays even just sucked.

But we didnt stop. We kept making progress. Not perfect.

Because on the weeks I lost weight, we did the same exact things – we loved ourselves harder, we leveled something up, we shouted it from the rooftops.

So, the BEST advice I have for you is this….just keep swimming.

No matter what.

Please don’t give up. You will have hard times, and I want you to remember that once you put your mind to a task, you are unstoppable.

At anytime, come back and visit me. Ask me what to do. I’m here for you

Oh, and Toria never left you. She has, and will always, be there with you, adventuring next to you, and laughing just as intensely in the afterlife as she did on the trail by your side.

Love,

Me