Finding Anchors in the Storm

Days 1, 2, and 3: I was excited, and determined, and my brain felt like it went in to a focused hyperdrive.

I knew exactly what I needed to do, in order to get thru this. In order for our family to survive this.

Or did I.

Day 4: I woke up and instantly knew something was different.

The air, just felt, off.

I did the bare minimum that I could muster enough energy for.

I wouldn’t call it exhaustion. Or fatigue.

I just, wasnt feeling it.

Day 5: Schools closed till April 28th…at least?!?!?!

It was all fun and games when the end date was just April 1st.

But no. 6 more weeks? I just. No. We have already had 2, no – 3 – meltdowns.

Oh your foot hurts child? Please come show mama.

She showed me her foot and I screamed silently in my head…..”I forgot about this spot. It’s been there for a year. And now ITS BAD. I am going to have to rush her to the emergency room and they are going to cut off her foot. Omg no. We cant go to the ER. Oh fudge.”

I took a further look at the spot, and told her calmly as my inner voice was trying to scream from the rooftops, “ahh poor baby. That doesnt look good. Go put a sock on and go to bed. I will call the dr tomorrow.”

We gave each other loves hugs and kisses.

And fell asleep in our respective beds.

Day 6: Its thursday…..ITS THURSDAY! FREE FOOD CART DAY AT WORK TODAY!!!!!

I rub my eyes. See the time on my alarm, freak out because now I am running late to work. So I go from horizontal to vertical as fast as my dog outside can find me inside after I open a bag of food.

I put my glasses on. And then realize that nope. No food carts today. And I am not late. Well fudge biscuits.

Maybe if I go back to bed, I will finally wake up from this dream reality.

Guess what folks? It did…………nt work.

I must not have believed hard enough.

I spent the day feeling pretty blah and blergh.

I did get E to the dr though and not gonna lie….I LOVE working from home. Because I was able to take E to work and then come back home and just make up the time I had missed instead of accruing attendance points that got get me fired. I am kind of in love with this idea. One less stressor I need in my life right now.

Oh yeah….shes fine. We got that spot checked out and we have instructions on how to help it heal.

And here we are today.

Day 7. It’s been a week since the girls were last at school. A week

All teachers must be paid 1 gazillion dollars per year after this. Teachers are one of those vulnerable populations we definitely take for granted. But NEVER AGAIN! They are super heroes.

But besides that, we, or rather I, am being bombarded with constant negativity. Twitter, Facebook, News stations, everything has turned in to one giant fear mongering monopoly.

I don’t know about you, but social distancing has turned me back in to a social media addict.

Like, I know the news is not good. The stats are horrible. Our current government administration sucks.

But I just. Can’t. Look. Away.

So between all the negativity in the news, the kid storms, the kid battles, the lack of IEP resources, this week has just been one HUGE WTF moment.

Thankfully, this first week – the girls seemed to handle everything fairly well. We have some fairly good routines in place for the moment. But GAH! teachers should be millionaires.

Me, on the other hand, I think everything hit at the exact same time. My one true phobia – Food Scarcity, mixed with an unexpected bill that I had previously arranged NOT to be taken out of my account, took a huge toll.

Thankfully, I have a support system in place. But it made me realize how many people do not. And then that just exacerbated my feel all the feels moment.

I cried. I closed my eyes. Paused my work. Sat back in the chair. Took a deep breath.

And I felt all the feelings that were cascading over me.

To say I felt overwhelmed – would be an understatement.

But I felt those feelings. I did not eat those feelings. I did not give everything up because of those feelings. I acknowledged those feelings.

And that is when I realized that I was about to hit Burn Out.

And right now – that would be no good for anyone.

I’m good at organizing and scheduling and managing. But I am good at it because I apply everything fiber in my body to doing what I do well.

For short amounts of time, I have enough spoons to last me thru what I need to get thru.

But this? My dream reality shattered today when reality hit.

This is going to be alot harder than I expected. Or realistically believed.

I want to do all the things. I love doing all the things. All the things recharge me. But even all the things, moving pieces, can be a little too much.

Especially if I do not set healthy boundaries and limits with all the things.

Step 1: acknowledging I may I have bit off too much

Step 2: accept that I need to set boundaries and better manage my time if I want me dreams to truly become reality.

Step 3: relax, recharge, refocus, re-prioritize.

I cannot imagine being in any of the critical/essential career fields right now. My heart goes out to all those that are on our front lines fighting this.

We have NO guiding voices. NO consistent messaging. NOBODY trying to heal us.

So I am doing what I can to make sure my family Stays Home and Stays Healthy so that the front line people, have a fighting chance.

Because my overwhelm – is tiny in comparison.

But my overwhelm, is not any less important. And your overwhelm is not any less important to you.

Take this time to feel any and all feels. But don’t get stuck there.

Adventure On. Just try to stay home as much as possible.