Finding Anchors in the Storm

I ran out of one my happy pills last Monday. But I saw the dr that afternoon so I could get a new refill.

And honestly, I had a 30 day supply. Of 25mg pills.

And instead of being upfront with the dr at my last appt, I decided to self medicate and take 50mg instead of 25mg.

And I was in a beautiful spot. Finally.

Not necessarily numb. But I was happy.

However, do the math.

30 day supply ended up being 15.

Again, I saw the dr last monday and this time I told her I wanted to try 50mg. She was fine with that. And sent over a new script.

She asked how much I had left from the previous script. I lied. I told her a few days worth.

No big deal. I would have time to pick up my script later that day. Or the next.

Heh. Have you met my life? Life doesnt go how I plan. At all.

I stepped in a hole wrong over the weekend and tweaked my ankle….again.

At this point, I had myself 1000% convinced that it was nothing worse than just a bad sprain.

So duh…I’d go to my dr. She would tell me to RICE it. Alternate tylenol and ibuprofen and it would get better. And then I could go fill my new script.

Again….not how my life operates.

Instead, she touched my foot. I yelled and screamed in certain areas. And then she told me that where it hurts worse, requires a trip to get an xray…..on the other side of town.

Because the xray place that is in the same building as my pharmacy, their computer system does not talk to my drs computer system, and it would take much longer to get the results.

Ugh.

So long story short, I couldn’t refill my meds till tuesday. No biggie. One day without part of my happy pill regime is not an issue……

Tuesday morning at 840am. I called my dr to get the results.

“The results show that you fractured your ankle. Here is number for the ortho and fracture clinic you need to see immediately so they can cast you.”

Heh….what?

845am, I call the ortho clinic. I am on hold for about 6 mins. I finally get thru.

“When can you be seen today?”

“Anytime after 130PM” I immediately blurt. Thinking to myself that I will have my mom pick up E and my aunt drive me….bc it’s my driving ankle that is fractured and will be cast.

And then in the span of blinking one eyelid, I remember that I have had an appt with E’s new counselor at school at 2. So I can make that quick, pick up E, run home to grab auntie, and then be there.

“No. Sorry. 3pm is the earliest”

Long story short, we arrived at the clinic at 302pm. I may or may not have “misread” the speed limit sign a few times.

That dr appt was, well, interesting. Long story short, I actually just aggrevated and old fracture…..

…Yes. Old. Facture.

Apparently I didnt really really badly sprain my ankle in Cali last Dec. No…I actually fractured it and didnt get the proper treatment so this new injury was about when not if.

Thankfully, I just have to wear an ankle brace. Not gonna life. I wanted a cast. But that would have made our life 1000% harder without me being able to drive.

I did not fill the script on Tuesday.

Wednesday came around and I had to wait for my husband to cash his check so I could pick up my meds. I could have done it after picking up E, but i have also been fighting extreme tooth pain.

So I went home, took a muscle relaxe. forgot to cook dinner, and slept on the couch while E watched TV.

Thursday comes. And goes. And at this point it is clearly my fault I did not renew my script and I know I am reaching dangerous territory.

Friday finally arrives. And I slept like shit because of my tooth pain. 2pm cannot come soon enough because I made an emergency dentist appt with the on call dentist because my dentist is out of town for the next 3 weeks.

Great. So not only am I in serious pain, I dont have my happy pills, I cannot refill them till Monday bc my pharmacy is closed on the weekend. I am seeing a new dentist, who is going to question and judge why I havent taken care of my teeth.

And I have to explain to someone….again….that I have been battling depression and I havent been able to take care of myself.

But I quickly interject that “but I am finally on the road to recovery and doing much better now!”

But am I? Or did I just say that so as to no get the eventual lecture from a stranger.

My tooth was in bad shape. And I have 4 more “hot” teeth that need to be repaired. Along with a cavity on every other tooth. No joke.

But my tooth was so bad, that he had to numb me 4 different times. I could feel the jack hammer on my nerve.

The pain was so horrific that there are no known words that are capable of describing such horror.

And then he went to finally finish, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding.

He asked if I had taken any meds and I told him tylenol and ibuprofen.

I quickly non verbally nodded yes.

He replied that that explains it. And just had to give my blood some time to clot.

Phew. It finally clotted. But the entire time I was waiting for my blood to stop, I started panicking.

I didnt admit to any of the other pain meds, i.e. elavil for muscle relaxant leftover from an injury to my hand from a car accident, or naproxen leftover from my husband, or the other one I found at 2am Thursday morning left over from the same car accident.

While I was laying in that dentist chair, I realized that this is how the victims in the Saw movie franchise must have felt.

And after my inner voice telling myself I deserve this pain, I found a little bit of strength and flipped the script. I told myself that I loved myself. That I deserve better than this pain I am self inflicting.

But here it is, Sunday late afternoon, and I am lost.

I know I am depressed. I recognize that I am depressed. I know what I need to do. I know what I can do. I know there is stuff to be done.

But I literally cannot move a single muscle in the right direction.

I finally put on pants about 2hrs ago. I cannot wait to go to bed. Trying to just lay down as much as possible.

This is depression. This is what my depression looks like when I am acutely aware I am depressed.

Writing this, I am on the back porch hiding, no one looks here unless they are driving down the hill.

My husband and his friend just drove down…still havent noticed me.

My mom cornered me this afternoon. Questioning me and what felt like interrogating me, about what she can do to help me take care of myself.

Any other day, I would have probably jumped on that conversation.

But today, is not the right day.

I am depressed. And even when someone is trying to help me and begging me to give them ideas on what I think I need….I bolt out of there as quick as possible.

Because I just cant.

My mom and I have a storied past. And we have a lot of shit to work through. I know she is trying. She wants to take control to help me find my happiness again.

I wanted to set up a home gym. I tried starting the conversation and gave an idea of where it could go over the summer.

That ended in WW3 and learning how my mom truly felt about me. The next day, I disappeared off the face of the planet with my girls for 8hrs.

I finally came up with another solution. My aunt and I have been trying to figure out how to make that work. But we have both been super busy.

So when I told my mom that my aunt and I came up with an idea but we havent been able to get to it, the person that I butted heads with to start WW3, came up and started to interrogate me about why I didnt just do something by myself and get working on cleaning that area out.

What I wanted to say, was I sprained my left ankle, and then got super sick for a week, and then had a shit ton of scout stuff to work on and then campouts, oh and then I fractured my right ankle.

What I actually said, was “I cant take this right now. I am gonna go sit on my couch and get fat”. And I did just that.

Giving said person even more ammo to throw my way in the future, proving his point that I am lazy, and dont do shit around the house, and I just make excuses.

My relationship with this person? Different story.

Back to me.

I am depressed.

I cannot think past this moment. It physially hurts me to think about what I can or should or need to do to “fix myself” and “find my happiness.”

But not depressed as in I want to hurt myself. Or anyone else. Let’s be clear about that.

I am depressed. As in pajamas and being wrapped in blankets on a couch while I drink a gallon of Dr. Pepper, eat junk food, watch movies, surf social media, play games on my phone, and going to bed by 7PM, is my idea of a perfect day.

I am depressed. But tomorrow, I am going to pick up my happy pills.

I do need them.

But I also deserve them.