Finding Anchors in the Storm

1 year ago today, I wrote a blog titled “Can I Love Myself?”

3 days later, I started this journey on figuring out how to love myself.

Up until that point, I had been unable to utter those 3 little words.

I have broken through a lot of barriers, and worked really hard on improving how I view myself.

Both inside and out.

But everytime I broke thru another barrier, I seemed to uncover something deeper. Something harder.

I knew I had a lot to work thru. I knew this journey was not going to be easy.

And I still have a long ways to go.

But I have made progress.

For instance, at the beginning of the summer, I chopped off my hair. And I am never going back. I feel badass.

And I can honestly and truly say, “I love my hair!”

Yes. I finally was able to say I love something about myself.

And it felt liberating.

But the adrenaline of that realization did not last long.

I have more negative self talk than neutral and positive combined.

It’s a vicious cycle that I have been struggling to break apart.

And it’s one that gains momentum on auto pilot because I just havent had the energy or motivation or desire to actively engage my vicious negative self talk.

99.12% of the time, I let that inner voice run rampant.

“You are ugly”

“You are too fat to enjoy anything in life”

“You are not worthy of the love anyone wants to give you”

“What’s the point of hiking? Your so heavy you are just torturing yourself and the earth you walk on”

“You will never live the life you dream”

“Look in that mirror if you want to cry”

“Told you so. Even the mirror knows your ugly”

I listen to podcasts. Alot. Different varieties.

Somehow I ran across a podcast titled “Losing 100lbs with Phit-n-Phat”. And I stated listening.

And I started taking notes.

And I started internalizing what she was saying.

I had just told my aunt the day before that I was not in the right head space, nor had the motivation, to focus on my eating habits or exercise.

The host of the podcast touts a No BS approach to losing weight. And part of that is becoming aware of that self talk and flipping the switch. She mentions that if you wait for the motivation or right mindset, you will be waiting for awhile.

One of the first “tasks” she tells people to do, is stand in front of a mirror and make a list:
Pains v. Wants

• Pain/costs of the weight

Wants of what life without the weight will be like

I havent done that yet. Standing in front of the mirror has inadvertently turned in to a phobia of mine.

But this evening, I broke through another barrier.

I got my nose pierced. Something my negative voice told me I didnt deserve.

And then I went and got a hair cut.

Only this time in that chair, I looked at myself in the mirror.

I started looking at myself and then almost immediately closed my eyes or stared at another spot awat from my face in the mirror.

And then my positive voice confronted my negative voice. And there was a confrontation. And it was disruptive.

And then I looked at my face.

And I started studying it.

Tan lines from my sunglasses. Proof that I go outdoors. Reminders that I live and enjoy life.

The hair on my left cheek. Proof that I am getting older. Reminder that my past cannot hold me back.

The dark circles under my eyes. Proof that my days are full. Reminders that I have seen many moments in my life.

The roundness of my face. Proof that it was me who got me to this point. Reminder that it is me who can get me to the next.

This face may not currently be what I want it too outwardly look like.

But it is a face that has seen many moments that have transformed my life in one way or another.

And I am proud of those moments. They are the building blocks of who I truly am.

This face, is my face.

This head, is my head.

I love my face. I love my head.

P.s. I have never taken this many photos of myself.

Progress achieved.