Little Steps: Day 95 – Overcoming Doubt – Finding Anchors in the Storm

Every other week, I see my counselor. My personal cheerleader. I have to fill out a questionnaire each and every time.

And at the bottom, is a section where I write down what I feel must be addressed at that appointment no matter what.

I have written “time management” and “how to find motivation” and “cycle of guilt” and “how to destress”.

Most days I write down the first thought that pops in my brain because a) I havent thought about it (yes, I know this box exists. And it will exist for eternity) or b) I feel like I dont need help with anything in particular.

More often than not, what I write down in that little box, we touch on for a hot potato second, and then somehow the conversation naturally dives head first in to what I actually need to talk about that I didnt know I needed to actually talk about.

I love therapy.

It’s amazing.

I think everyone should have someone that is paid to listen to them and tell them how awesome they are.

Oh wait… no. That’s not the point of therapy…..right? I mean, I havent been buying a yes person all these years have I?

Moving on!

This week, I wrote “overcoming doubt”.

And I really needed to talk to someone, even if it is my personally financed yes person.

I needed someone to listen to me as I say my fears outloud and hear myself talk. And I needed someone that will talk me off a ledge.

I am on day 95 now. I have not hiked since day 75.

I had grand plans at the end of Day 75. Because Day 96 was on it’s way.

I was bound and determined to increase my daily miles to 6mi 3x a week and then 7mi 3x a week, and then I would be ready for Day 96.

But life got in the way. E ended the school year requiring me to be at her school right after work at 2pm for the last 6 days of school. So no hiking.

And then summer started without a dedicated babysitter due to an emergency they had to attend to. So no hiking.

Oh and I needed to focus on finishing up loose ends for our big scout campout next weekend, and my TW backpacking trip, and this and that.

So hiking ended up not being a main focus.

Work has been a soul suck lately. Hiking would probably help. Who needs the average 6hrs of sleep I get? Maybe I can scale that back to 4hrs….no? Not a good idea?

Oh and my Fitbit got hacked and I got locked out. That was fun. And not an excuse to not be able to hike….but I sure can make it into one. As long as I believe hard enough……

Oh yeah. Back on track.

What is happening on Day 96 you may be wondering.

Ok fine. I will tell you.

Right after this brief intermission.

Heh. Sometimes I crack myself up.

One of the last remaining requirements I need to get marked off, or prove that I know or accomplished, to earn my Practical Training Strip and therefore be able to start working on my Ramblers badge, is to do a backpacking trip that is at least 16 miles, with at least 1 overnight, carrying shelter the entire way.

And then write a log about it. And then submit it to the mystical scoutmaster, or Rover leader. Which is not me.

I received my knighthood last year on my birthday, 51 weeks ago. After completing an overnight vigil and doing a whole bunch of reflecting. (If you want to read all about it, search my blog!)

I really wanted to complete my 16 mile overnight by last Oct. Clearly that didnt happen.

Because on Day 96 of my little steps journey, 51 weeks after receiving my Rover Knighthood, I will be embarking on a 18ish mile overnight backpacking adventure.

16mi seems to short! Just needed to add a couple more! Because why not?!

13mi will be conquered Day 1 (or Day 96). And 5mi more will be traversed Day 2 (or day 97).

And then I will die Day 98. Attempt to move Day 99. And then maybe it will set it in finally on Day 100 that I just did 18ish miles.

So why do I need to overcome doubt?

I have gone on 22 hikes, totaling 56.1 miles, which is like 3.11 – 18ish mile hikes.

I have pushed my body to limits it has never seen before.

Mentally, I am in a much braver position than I was 95 Days ago.

Physically, I am stronger than i was on Day 1.

But am I?

I made all these grand plans. Hike. Hiking every day. Hiking 3x a week. Ok fine, hike at least 1x a week.

Eat right. Strength training. Yoga. Stretching. Burpees and planks and wall sits. Salads and avocados and limit the sugar intake.

And so far, I have been hiking. Sporadically.

I have an occasional salad. With a side of pop. Maybe 2 if I am feeling really good.

My last apple sat in my lunchbox for 2 days. And then I put it back in the fridge this afternoon.

But I have been talking this talk. Telling everyone I can about this 18 mile hike. And how I am going to crush 13 miles in one day.

I talk with enthusiasm. And strength. With a pep in my step.

I have finished my trip plan.

My mom got me a Garmin inReach Mini Satellite Messenger/SOS device as an early birthday present.

It has a tracker. I am actually pretty excited that my kids will be able to track me on my adventures!

Ohplusalso, I have an SOS button if I need to be rescued. So that’s a plus.

I may be talking with such confidence and excitement.

But it would be a huge understatement if I were to say I wasnt a little bit scared.

Or maybe it isnt fear. Because I am prepared. I have the appropriate tools. And skills.

Maybe what I am feeling is doubt. I am 316lbs. With a 50lb pack. Maybe less. We will see tonight.

I have never gone more than 5 miles in one day. Let alone 13ish.

Will my body even make it?

I am not hiking alone. Will I be able to keep up? Will I hold my hiking partner back? Will I slow her down, or disappoint her?

Can I even do it?

Maybe if I tried harder, trained better, weighed less, it might be easier.

There is nothing I can do about that now. I cannot snap my fingers and change the past to make tomorrow easier. This isnt Avengers: Endgame!

But….

…I know I have a passion burning in my soul. I know I can count on digging deep to keep moving.

I am not cancelling my trip. No way. I have worked too hard to say “Eh! Maybe next time” only for a next time to never arrive. Because you know damn well it wont.

So…I am going to do what I do best.

Put one foot in front of the other.

I am going to overcome doubt one little step at a time.

I am going to make it to my summit this weekend.

I am going to use this weekend as a learning experience. I am going to keep growing and building off whatever transpires this weekend.

Day 179 is going to be here probably before I recover from this weekend.

This trip will be show me where I am, and where I need to be.

This trip is going to be life changing. In more ways than one.

It already has.

Last night, I was setting up the inReach Mini. Let me just tell you, that I was on cloud 9. This is one of those big ticket items that I have dreamed about, but thought I would never get because “I be poor!”

Anyways, I was setting it up last night. And I was wondering why it was taking so long to acquire the GPS so it could activate.

I was getting aggravated. This cost good money. I mean, it’s only been like 5 minutes at this point. But still! Big bucks were spent! I want to play with it! Now!

Damn instant gratification brainwashing.

Maybe I was doing something wrong. I am known for reading like half the directions and then filling in the last 3 words of the sentence. Ending up in Nevada instead of Alaska.

Yeah. I should have kept reading. The booklet said it could take up to 20 minutes bc it had to send and receive multiple messages. Ahhhhhh.

So I move the mini back a little to get more sky, less porch. And I turn my attention back to my computer.

Ding ding! Or whatever cute sound it made.

It connected.

I was super giddy. There was a message. Just for me!! I picked it up. I saw the time stamp. And peace just immediately washed over me. And my feelings of doubt trickled away.

It was a surreal experience.

I felt a feeling that is literally indescribable.

If you have been around long enough, or even if you havent, I have a connection to the numbers 808. I even have them tattooed on my inner right wrist.

If you want to read more, go search for 808 in my blog. But long story short, when I see 808, I feel like it is my spirit guides, or my Grandma Lue mainly, that is reminding me I am on the right path.

And last night, this sign came at a critical point, literally straight from the sky above.