Little Steps: Day 56 – Resolve to Believe

I almost gave up this week. I seriously contemplated it for about 36 hrs.

The doctor gave me a new medication this past week to help get me thru a slump with my current happy pills (aka Zoloft), and to help control migraines I have been having daily, as well as possibly give me an energy boost so I do not feel like I have undiagnosed narcolepsy until 830AM.

I took it for the first time, and the last time, on Thursday. I had an allergic reaction that completely wiped me out until Friday late morning. I had a migraine that came from the depths of hell. And I vomited until I exorcised the pill.

Last week was just a tough week where everything seemed it all needed to merge together at the same time.

My husband and I spent 3 days pretty much just pissed off at eachother for stupid reasons. And we had a stupid fight Friday evening.

I broke down crying.

So Friday night, my inner voice spoke and it said that I needed to set an alarm for 6AM for Saturday.

If I wake up, I go hiking.

If I sleep, I stay home.

I somehow popped right up the second my alarm went off.

I am famous for hitting the snooze about 43 times, and then an extra 3 times just to be safe.

I woke my husband up. Still pissed off at him. And I just said “I am taking the Huskies and we are going for a hike. I will be home by noon”.

I needed to get away. I didnt want to tell anybody where I was going.

But being the good scout that I am, knew that was stupid. So I texted my bestie A and gave her a heads up on the trail I was headed to.

And I drove.

I turned up the music. I sang off key. I rolled down the windows.

And I went.

I ended up doing 2 hikes yesterday with the pups.

I went off trail, my car went off road, and the pups got full use out of their 4 paws drive.

And I was back home by 12. I updated A to keep her in the know. Of course.

Yesterday was cathartic. I needed yesterday.

Friday, I asked my work husband J for his advice. Should I postpone my solo*, forget about it, or just do it.

Long story short, I came to the conclusion that I needed to believe in myself.

And I believe that I can do this. I will conquer those 55 miles. And I WILL reach the summit.

Yesterday’s hikes were completely unplanned. But something in the universe told me I needed to get in the car and go.

That it would all make sense once the trail was underneath my feet.

And it did.

At my second stop, University Falls, after slipping and falling on my ass because I momentarily forgot that rocks near a waterfall are not dry and have no traction…. I sat on this log seat.

And I watched as the pups cooled off in the little stream, and listened to the water splash it’s way down. I inhaled the pure air, and felt the weather worn ground around me. I enveloped my senses with peace and resolution.

On this log bench, my inner voice and I made a resolution. To work together. To become an unstoppable force. To see that a dream becomes a reality.

Yesterday, I resolved, to believe in myself. To believe that I already have what I need to be able to reach my summit.

To believe that I can keep taking little steps when I just want to quit.

And let me tell you what. This resolve, this belief, came in mighty handy today.

2 months ago when I first started talking about this idea of a solo* hike, I was hanging out with my husband and his brosband, D. And one night, D was talking about the Ape Caves, up at Mt. St Helen’s.

An idea was planted so we picked a day to do it.

Mothers Day.

The hike today, has been planned for 2 months.

Had I done this hike 2 months ago, well let’s just say, that I was definitely not physically, or mentally, ready then.

But today, I struggled.

My upper body strength is, well, lacking.

And my 6 pack abs of steel, are, well, invisible.

My thighs are too thick to get thru some places.

And my sturdy footing, well, my feet learned valuable lessons today.

I struggled. Oh I struggled hard.

I smiled. I laughed. I cried. I bled. I bitched.

I questioned my sanity. Alot.

Yesterday I made a resolve that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

That every little step is making me stronger.

I wanted to give up, because I used to. Alot.

I could have turned around, because duh that was an option.

But I chose not too. I chose to climb up, over, and around rock pile after rock pile.

With the help of my 2 sherpas (my husband and D), I climbed up an 8ft tall lava flow/stone waterflow that was flat, sheer, and slippery, with 1 awkward and useless foothold and a raggedy old rope.

I could have turned around. But I believed I could do this.

And I did. I fucking did. I survived the Ape Caves.

Part of me has honestly questioned if this morning was actually just a dream.

I did fall flat on my face because my left big toe decided it wanted to quit so my brain forgot to tell it to lift 1 more inch.

D held out his hand, and asked if I needed it.

At this point, I was getting my cave legs. I was getting the confidence. I was figuring out how to strategically place my feet, making sure they were sturdy before lifting the other. I was taught the strategies of figuring out the next step, before taking it.

Analyzing where I want to go, coming up with solutions on how to get there, and then following thru.

Which is a skill that took me a long time to figure out today.

I was gaining some confidence. I was getting the hang of this.

I can do this.

I told D no. That I did not need his help. So he turned around and started walking away.

And this image has been replaying in my brain in slow motion for the past 9hrs. I am viewing as if I am outside of my body, watching a movie unfold.

I did a belly flop, face first, on the most perfect spot I could have went down on.

Not even 5 minutes before this, I had my husband put my glasses in my backpack because they were too fogged up and I couldnt see thru them.

Thank goodness the spirits told me to put them in a safe spot. Because holy shit. It was as if my body became a stiff board and I went straight down.


It was dark, my sherpas were ahead of me. But they heard CRASH. Telling me later that they instantly knew what had happened.

I rolled on to my back.

I laid there.

And then I cried.

And I cried.

All the emotions of the past week, the past 2 months, of this epic tortuous hike….just came colliding together like tectonic plates. My tears flowed just like the lava once did thru this lava cave.

Thankfully they were cold tears.

Anyways. I sat there for awhile. D told me it wasnt bad and to shake it off. And my husband was reminding me it’s ok.

I started laughing. Who else can say they started the week finding a tick halfway embedded in their stomach, and ending the week with 2 busted up knees from taking a facer while rock climbing in a lava tube.

This hike was infuckingsane.

The hardest one by far, that I have ever done, my entire life.

But I did it. I believed in myself.

It may have taken us 3.5hrs.

But what I just did, what we just did this morning, it was exactly what I needed today.

My sherpas were there for me every step of the way. I learned how to ask for and accept help. These little steps I am taking, dont need to be by themselves.

Walking above ground on the way back down the hill for 1.5 miles, was the easiest 1.5mi.

Today, I conquered my fears. Fears that I did not know I had, until I conquered them.

I resolved yesterday to believe in myself.

And today, I had to.

I conquered. I survived. And I was also reminded why I love my husband.

Today was Mothers Day. And I spent it with Mother Nature.

We all celebrate this day in our own ways. And today, I spent this day realizing that I may be a mother to 2 amazingly chaotic children. But I am also a mother that is badass.

P.s. I cut my hair even shorter on Friday evening. And feel like a badass. I have an extra pep in my step. And for the first time ever, my soul is able to say “I love my hair”. It may not seem like a huge statement to some. But this is a huge step for me.

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