Little Steps: Day 52 – The Trail Ends Here?

I apologize in advance. But my mind is a tangled mess.

Thoughts are flying around a thousand miles a minute.

Crashing in to eachother.

Trajectories unknown.

My fingers are full of dread. The words want to flow faster than they can be given passage.

I have no idea what is about to overflow the walls, crashing down.

And I honestly dont know if I am prepared for what is going to make itself known.

Frankly. I am a tad scared.

So why put off the inevitable any longer?

I have gone on only 1 meaningful hike in the past nearly 3 weeks.

Week 1, I was pmsing so hard, I couldnt muster the energy to get off the couch, let alone walk farther than absolutely necessary. But I didnt let guilt consume.

Week 2, while being lazy and useless during Week 1, I realized that I needed to re-prioritize and reorganize my day to day life. I am known for doing it all. But I realized that I was doing it all, only partly.

Week 3, well this week I have something planned every day so I already knew getting in any hike would be hard. But I was willing to try this week. I really was.

But let’s back up to week 2. When I realized that in my search for happiness and loving myself, I lost focus of my kids, my house, my husband, my mom.

B has been having some extreme meltdowns, that I just cant figure out. Her and I are having a hard time finding a connection. And it hurts. I am busting out miles, when I should be reconnecting with my daughter so she can stop hurting.

And E. Oh boy. For 3 years, I was dedicated to figuring out that child. All of her quirks. Her needs. All the tricks to get her to de-escalate quickly. It took 3 years, but I was finally able to pinpoint a trigger a day ahead of anyone else.

But not anymore. As each little step has changed me, E has been changing as well. And I cannot, or maybe I am unable to, figure this child out again. In the past 3 weeks, I have had to physically restrain her for the first time ever, twice.

We are at a point where we tell people that when we let her transition last year, the meltdowns eased ALOT. Letting her live her authentic self, seemed to have a positive outcome and that maybe just maybe, she was finally going to be happy.

But we are back to constant meltdowns and acting out. And I honestly….am waiting for someone to tell me that we should transition her back to her assigned gender at birth because clearly letting her transition is not working anymore.

And that is a scary idea. But a very plausible idea in today’s society.

Anyways, we finally had her big Autism test up at OHSU. It was approved in the 11th hr. Right as I was calling cancel the appointment. My gut was completely prepared for the official autism diagnosis.

Instead, we left with 4 diagnoses: all the ADHDs, severe social anxiety disorder, sensory sensitivities (SPD), and severe receptive and expressive communication disorder.

PMS hit hard during Week 1. But so did my grief over the non-diagnosis. My gut is still sending me alarms. I talked to E’s counselor. She told me I wasnt crazy, and that it would be beneficial to have her tested by an autism specialist.

Wait…isnt that who we saw? Nope.

It didnt help that it took me 11 days to connect the dots. They told us one of the reasons she did not qualify for the Autism diagnosis, was bc she didnt have any obsessions or topics that she fixated on and compulsively talked about. And in the next breath, they said she doesnt have the language skills to describe thoughts or ideas or feelings.

It took me nearly 2 weeks. But Well hello….maybe, just maybe, she doesnt talk obsessively about something because she DOESNT HAVE THE LANGUAGE SKILLS.

Ohplusalso….she has ALL THE FUCKING ADHDs. She has obsessions. Trust me. She does. But she fixates on something for a period of time, and then moves on to something else, and then, well you get the point.

My friend mentioned she probably fixates on something until she is satisfied.

Duh. Makes so much sense. Why didnt I think of that?

I started hiking, because I finally got to a point where I felt my kids were healthy and happy and on the right path. We reached a point where the world wasnt going to end. I finally felt that E would be able to make it thru the day without me getting a call from the school or TKD.

Being in the woods, an hr away from my car…didnt seem impossible. It finally felt inviting.

But not anymore.

We are back at the point where my heart stops, my palms sweat, my lungs unable to inflate…every single time the phone rings.

I find my happiness. I found the place I am truly happy.

And my kids are suffering.

And it’s not just the kids that are suffering. I cant seem to keep up on the household. Dishes have been piling up. Clothes sit in a clean pile, begging to be folded.

And then there is my mom. Who comes over and sees our house is a disaster. And she comments to me, or mainly my husband, that I need to quit doing so much.

Quit hiking. Quit scouts. Quit TKD.

All the things that make me happy. And the kids.

My husband is tired of hearing it. Tonight we reached a boiling point. He doesnt read my posts. He doesnt even subscribe. He says he isnt a reader. He reminds me that I know he isnt a reader. My heart hurts. But whatever. It is what it is. I am just talking to myself here anyways.

This week, is an insanely busy week. Tomorrow night, I have a CERT class. So I had prepared him already that he needed to pick up the girls, feed them, and then take B to TKD.

But then I got to work Monday morning, with a reminder that I had signed up 2 months ago, for an REI class on the basics of hiking the PCT.

I have been uber excited about it. It was free. Definitely not required.

My husband called me as I was leaving the house. He told me our truck needed new tires. I felt my tone was exasperated. Because I am. I need to find a second job. But I cant. E is not in a place where I can start a new job that doesnt understand. I am stuck.

But I am exasperated. I literally fucking dont know how we are even going to put food on our table.

He said he would have work front him the cash (he is a mechanic, they can automatically take it out of his paycheck every payday).

I said “what is the point of even getting paid”.

He thought I was mad.

I was going to qualify that with a chuckle because it seemed like all our money had to go to fixing a car or tools he needs. And this seems to be the story of our life right now.

We will never ever get caught up. Ever.

I didnt get to that qualifier. He hung up on me.

I started crying. I kept driving. My class was 45 minutes away.

And then I got a couple messages. He was mad at me. I dont blame him. He said he would probably have to listen to my mom tell him yet again that I need to stop doing so much.

So I turned around as soon as I could.

I came home.

That class was not required. I did not pay for it.

Besides my emotions wouldn’t be able to focus.

I am needed more at home. I need to refocus on home. I am torturing myself every single mile as I sling 317.6lbs up and down hills.

Maybe it’s time to pack away my hiking boots and hang up my pack.

Things have been building up for awhile. But tonight, the dam finally broke.

My family is falling apart. I need to focus on them. My happiness in the woods, is not truly happiness if the rest of my world is falling apart.

Coming home, was a mistake. My husband told me that I was now making him feel incompetent.

I tried consoling him. That’s what I was born and raised to do.. put others happiness before mine. But I just keep making the situation worse.

People have told me I inspire them. That they are proud of me. That I am badass and have courage and are amazed at the things I do.

I put on a brave front. And I must be really good at it.

Because I am not inspiring. I am not a badass. I do not have courage.

I do what I need to do. And I am currently failing at everything.

Even the garden died less than 12 hours after we transplanted the veggie starts we grew for 3 weeks indoors.

I should also mention that I am definitely not good at taking compliments. I grew up where compliments were rare and making a parent proud, was damn near impossible. At least that was the message I received.

I have 127 days left. I am still 300+ lbs. In fact, I am gaining weight

Hiking 55 miles in 4 months and 4 days….is becoming an unattainable dream.

This summer, our childcare situation is all sorts of messed up. I will have no time to do any hikes during the week.

I dont know what to do.

I can tell you right now, that the urge to get in my car and keep driving, never looking back, is currently a small flame.

The kids dont listen to me. The house gets destroyed the second I clean it. I cant figure out how to make my husband happy. I cant figure out how to help alleviate the pain my kids experience daily. My mom will never tell me she loves me unless I beg her. I am in so much financial debt that it is suffocating.

But I can also swear on my grandmother’s grave and tell you all right now, that I will not leave, I will not run, I will not hide.

I am going to be OK.

But tonight, the idea of putting away my boots, seems like it is the best answer to solve everything.