The Loving Myself Journey: Gate #7 – Who Am I?

I am a daughter, wife, and a mother.

I am a scout leader.

I am a full time employee.

I am a graduate with her MBA.

I have a lot of surface layer labels.

But who am I? Underneath the surface?

Am I a lover of music? Reader of pages? Writer of words?

Am I an outdoor enthusiast? A seeker of fitness? An explorer of adventure?

Am I a leader of the pack? An organized chaos maker? A strong headed warrior?

Am I stubborn? Confident? Weak?

A victim or a survivor?

A lover or a fighter?

Selfish or selfless?

Enmeshed with others or can I untangle myself?

Dogs or cats?

Each one of us can describe who we are. But how easy is it to describe who we truly are? At the core of our being?

I am a mother. Yes. But I am a mother that will go to the ends of the earth for their child. I will seek all the research. Find all the experts. And implement all the remedies.

I am a mother that reminds her kids constantly that she loves them. That they are worthy. And strong. And fierce. And amazing.

I am also a mother that loses her cool. Alot more than I care to admit about.

We can all be defined of a variety of different labels. Surface labels like female, white, married. Labels that pinpoint our interests, our dislikes. Labels that shape our values and our beliefs. Even the order we put our labels in, tell a story of what we value most.

Labels help us shape the perspective of the world around us…

….and the perspective of the world within us.

So what are my labels? What labels do I embody, that will either hinder me, or help me, in breaking thru my wall?

I am 31.5 yrs old. And I have recently discovered, as in the past 6 months, that I have been a passive participant in my life.

I listen to music. But I dont listen to music.

I read books. But I dont read books.

I exist. But I dont live.

What motivates me? What type of books do I like? What genre of music moves me to my core? What is my favorite food? What DO I want for Christmas?

What does my brain crave?

You see, I was an introvert in high school. I did not do too much experiencing. I had only a few friends.

That I could barely keep.

(On a side note for a different day: I yearn for true friendship. I do not even know what that means)

I went with the flow. I was very rebellious. And mostly depressed and angsty. But I didnt venture far. My computer and I were best friends.

I lacked something. Maybe it was self confidence.

I went to a college close by. My reasoning was that I wanted to be close to home because my grandma was dying. I convinced myself I chose a college close by because of her. But I think deep down, I was scared.

I lacked courage.

I still do.

And then I met my soulmate, my husband. We moved in together. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.

But, I missed out on learning independence and being on my own. It wasnt until now, that I have come to realize that I need to discover myself as an individual.

I need to learn how to be self reliant.

Then came the girls.

With the first, I had horrible postpartum. I had zero attachment to her for the first 2 weeks. I could barely look at her. My husband was amazing. I saw a counselor. And subconsciously, I had convinced myself that this child was not mine, but rather I had her to help my dying grandmother hold on to life a little while longer.

Once that revelation was made clear, I was able to form that connection with our oldest.

But then E came along. And I lost the notion that I exist as an individual. That it is even possible to exist apart from anything else.

Can you tell the pattern?

I have never lived my life independently of anyone else. I lived for my grandma. My husband. My papa. My girls.

I used to love to read. I could read a 500 page book in less than a week. But now, I do not know what genre of book I like to read. Because I havent read a book for pleasure in 14+ years.

So a week or 2 before Christmas 2018, I decided it was time to start reading. But what? I do not know. So I have made it my mission this year to read a little of this and a little of that.

I am happy to say I still do not have a favorite genre.

But I have read 12 weeks straight. I have been transported to at least 9 other worlds. And experienced at least 9 different adventures.

And I am learning a little bit more about myself as the pages turn.

For example, why have I jumped head first into this world of scouting?

In the beginning, I joined scouts as a means to get my girls outside. To give them the tools to be self reliant. To survive.

And I am accomplishing that.

But I am also learning that being a scout, means being prepared. And being prepared, means you have to rely on yourself. You have to have confidence in yourself.

You have to have the courage to know you will be OK.

You have to have the knowledge that you are capable of surviving whatever life throws at you.

And that is why I am obsessed with scouts.

I went on a hike with some friends this past weekend, and a spark was lit.

Something clicked.

My brain wants to be confident. Wants to survive. Wants to rely on itself. But first, I need to learn. I am missing a lot of skills. Like confidence. And self esteem.

And courage.

And being a scout leader, I am achieving my newly discovered craving of self reliance.

I rely on a lot of people. I know that when I fall, there will always be someone there to either catch me, or laugh at me as I am falling.

But relying on others, is one of the reasons I have been a passive participant in my life.

The past is the past. I cannot change what has been done. And it wastes precious energy to even remotely think about the what if’s if I had chosen the college in Alaska, or Tennesse, or Hawaii.

But it does make sense to start looking at who I am today. What motivates me? What compels me to keep moving?

What scares me? What holds me back?

And how can I use my abilities, my skills, in becoming self reliant, independent, and in charge of my future?

Who am I really? Who do I really want to be? What do I really want to do?

I do not know.

But I do know that it is time for me to dig deeper. Travel below the surface.

To recover pieces of me I buried long ago.