It has taken me 2 weeks to finish this post. And I edited the first attempt so many times that a goldfish wouldn’t even be able to follow along.
So I decided I needed to start fresh. And maybe this time, examine why this topic is so important to me, yet so hard to write about.
And while driving home from work
today 2 days ago (bc I have been busy), I think I figured it out.
I began this self love journey back on Sept 13th, 2018. 6 months ago, I decided it was time for me to figure out how I can learn to love myself.
I am not there yet. Those 3 little words are still impossible to type, let alone say outloud (or via my inner voice).
But, I have discovered/uncovered/learned alot in 6 months.
I have learned how to love my husband again.
I have figured out a way to be there for my oldest.
I have made it a point to always thank my spirit guides.
I have reminded myself that we are all connected, even when sometimes we are a little too connected that we need to disconnect.
I have revisited Event 0 that triggered my PTSD, as well as openly discussed the challenges that come along with having amazing kids.
I have hibernated for 2 months. Completely abandoning my journey.
I have uncovered my desire to continue fighting.
And now I am here.
The first part of my love myself journey, was centered around externals. My husband. My kids. My guardian angel. The world at large. All forces that affected me internally, but yet were primarily externally driven.
Which brings me to the here and now.
Where I am struggling to translate my feelings in to words. My thoughts in to sentences. And my emotions in to coherent stories.
Up until this moment.
As in this exact moment I am typing this. As in 506p, no now 507p. As in 2 days later. Up until this moment, I told myself that the key to loving myself, the key to unlock all sadness to reveal happiness, would be found after addressing/acknowledging/repairing/solving my external forces.
But after struggling to write this post, I have come to realize, that repairing the external forces only provides one key, repairing only one layer.
I have not addressed all of the externals that I need to. And it is going to be a long road to attend to everything. But I have addressed enough that a key appeared.
And while I like to control the chaos and deeply desire to have everything marked off before moving on. The world works in mysterious ways. It is time for me to move forward.
To move inward.
I am now at a turning point where I feel like I am beating myself up a little less every day.
I continue to remind my husband I love him. I am finding ways of connecting with B. I have E a little more understood, which eases my PTSD. I am disconnecting just enough from the world that I feel refreshingly connected.
I feel empowered just enough to be able to take the strength and confidence that I have built from repairing what I have thus far, and take a serious look inwards.
Why am I so depressed? Why do I feel out of control? Why do I hate my body? Why can I only muster enough energy to barely take a shower? Why havent I brushed my hair in weeks? Why do I not have the willpower to take control of my health? Why I do I feel so worthless and never good enough for anyone?
Why have I not looked in any mirror, for 10+ years?
Why can I not just say those 3 little words? And what I mean by I cant say them…I mean an invisible wall pops up and I run smack into it between the words I and Love.
I havent been able to break through.
I am going to get there. I dont know how. I am not sure I am ready to uncover locked away pains.
But I do know that I am ready to let go of this wall that my brain has created. I am ready to take the first step and remove the first brick.
And that first brick, is letting go of control.
Being in control is my comfort zone. It is my time to shine. When I am in control, I know things will get done. And I know I will feel an immense sense of pride.
Plan an entire 10 day vacation and taking control over what rides, when, where to eat, etc? I accomplished that and it felt great.
Or did it?
Taking control of the health of our children, making sure they are seeing the specialists they need to see? Just another parenting thing that I go above and beyond for.
Taking control of our family day to day operations and being in charge of the calendar at all times? Check and check.
These types of instances where I am expected to take control, I would say are typical of a household.
So why can I not take control of my health? Of my happiness? Is it because I have forgotten I, as an individual, exist?
Or is it because I have failed 500 million times before when I tried taking control of my health. Maybe it was the wrong control? Maybe too much?
What is my definition of health?
Maybe I need to let the past go.
Maybe it is time for me to figure out what is healthy to control.
Maybe it is time for me to recognize who I am today compared to 10 years ago.
Maybe it is time for me to reevaluate what I truly want to achieve.
I am not sure what I am going to encounter on this journey. Or where the trail will take me.
But I do know, that it is time for me to…
…Entering week 3 of attempting to finish this post.
This has been my hardest one to write.
I have made very conscious decisions to NOT make time to finish this post.
Maybe if I dont finish it, I will never have to face reality.
But that is not realistic.
Reality is taking control of me. I am just a backseat passenger. Only seeing the blurry remnants of what we zoom by.
But today, is different. Earlier today, I visited my counselor. And for the first time since I have started seeing him almost a year ago, a crucial corner brick from my wall was removed.
I went in with drippy eyes due to allergies.
And I left with puffy drippy eyes due to bawling.
I uncovered a pain. An indescribable and indefinable pain.
But it was a refreshing pain. A pain I didnt know existed, yet didnt know I needed to experience.
So tonight, as I am sitting here while our oldest is doing her pre-test for her brown belt (and then 2 more until black!). 3 weeks after starting this entry…
I am ready to finish it.
I am ready to embrace my inner being.
I am ready to understand.
I am ready to let it go.
Whatever “it” is.
Whatever “it” is, that is holding me back.
Holding me back from those 3 little words. From believing in myself. Discovering my truth.