Finding Anchors in the Storm

Ok so it is not nearly as fun in real life as you wished it would be.

But if I were to be able to sleep most of the day AND get paid to do it….heck yeah! I’d be the first in line. Even if I have to camp out for weeks on end for that coveted position.

Sadly, reality is a little different.

Comfy bed? Sure. But I have to get hooked up to tons of wires and electrodes and have weird goo put in my hair. That process alone takes 45 minutes of a stranger touching you and applying pressure for things to stick in the weirdest and most uncomfortable of positions.

How did I get here?

I stopped loving myself. Maybe I never did. I stopped caring for myself. I stopped realizing that this is truly the only life I have in this body.

I am morbidly obese. Morbidly is an understatement.

I thought I could get away with it until I found the umph to get on track.

I was wrong.

My first sleep study referral was sent out 2 years ago. I let it slide and didnt follow up. And then I had another referral sent in Sept last year. And I made an appt. And I rescheduled. And I rescheduled again. And again. And then I decided to just cancel it.

It wasnt important to me. I found every single excuse to get out of it. And I did a really great job.

April 18th, 2018 arrived. Emergency Gallbladder Removal.

I stopped breathing on the operating table. I almost died. Right there. Leaving my kids, my husband, my family… behind.

All because I stopped allowing myself to take care of myself.

I immediately swallowed my guilt and sucked up my shame, and got a 3rd sleep study referral sent.

And I went to it.

When on my back, my oxygen levels are at 51.9%…..

51.9%

On my back. My morbid obesity is literally suffocating me.

Tonight, is my 2nd sleep study to determine which CPAP would be best and determine what oxygen levels I respond to better.

I am done feeling guilty and full of shame at the mere thought of putting my oxygen mask on first.

I want to see my kids grow up.

I want to see them soar.

I want to watch their passions evolve.

I want to go on a long list of adventures.

I want to grow old with my husband.

I want to sit in my rocking chair, watching the sun set, hearing the waves crash on the sand, as the wind caresses my wrinkly and tired soles.

I want to close my eyes and not be afraid I will not wake up tomorrow.

Because I have a lot of adventures I need to go on. I have a lot of life left to live.

So for tonight, I am going to enjoy my night away from my wild and crazy chitlins (kids). Even if I am hooked up to a thousand and 2 wires with weird goo in my hair.

I am already on a journey to figuring out how to love myself. This is just another step in the right direction.

A hurdle in Gate 2 that needs to be addressed before rounding the final corner to reach Gate 3.

Tonight, I learn how to put my own oxygen mask on first.

Literally.