I dont know what happened this evening. But somehow, some way, my brain just relaxed. It loosened. It shed its white knuckle grip on my soul? My guard? My wall?
No… my brain freed it from itself.
And I figured out what I needed to do in order for me to complete my mission critical objective – figuring out how I can truly love myself.
I have been really thinking about this mission. I have not been able to determine what I am missing that is the key to loving myself. I couldnt see any sort of potential routes that would get us safely across.
Now remember, I have a child with a super power that requires me to see every possible route, bump, twist, dead ends, or safe passages. This child is an energizer bunny, so my life is constantly required to be 10 exits ahead, 24/7/365.
But something changed tonight. It is as if the once impenetrable Mt. Love cracked open just enough for me to step a foot inside. And it became apparent that there were 9 additional steps that I needed to conquer in order to be able to turn the key that was in the lock, located in the center of Mt. Love.
But what is located at the center, is still a mystery. (Between you and me: my hope is that it will reveal the answer as to if I can finally admit that I truly love myself.
So what is Step #1? Remembering why I love my husband.
For a little while (and he doesn’t know this) but I have felt that he and I have become distant, roommates with benefits, roommates that know they love eachother but have forgotten how to Express it to eachother.
We have become the parents that pass thru the day because we have been focused on 500 other projects and dealing with hidden emotions. We talk, but we dont actually have deep, meaningful discussions anymore.
And I know I am the one to blame 1000% on our passive intimacy. Not him. He is an amazing husband. He is such a hard worker and he does great with the kids. He can explain things to them that I wouldn’t be able to. They listen to him like he is Queen Elsa.
He sticks by my side at all times. And is always there for me. To help calm me. To bring me back to reality. But he is also right there next to me, fighting with me not against me.
He turns the ideas in my brain, into actual 3D form. No matter how insane or asinine they are. He listens to me. He know what I like. He let me get my Huskies.
We have experienced more tough times that I would like to remember over the past 13 years. Most couples would break in half of what we have experienced. But somehow we didnt. We got stronger together facing all the road blocks and avalanches together.
We always came out with a deeper connection and renewed sense of love. Because we know we are a great team.
And we can talk for days, and never run out of things to say. We can even bicker without hurting each others feelings. Oh and if the bickering gets too much…we are really good at apologizing and taking ownership.
We may not be able to afford to ever go on any dates, even if we had childcare, but whenever we are together, in whatever situation…….we always make it an adventure. We always make it worthwhile. And we do that as a team.
He is truly my other half. That make me whole.
But I have been so terrible to him. I dont know why, but I have always shut him down for any sort of personal touching. I dont know why. I hate that about me. That I just for some reason cant stand the sensation of someone touching me. Even if it is my husband.
I didn’t understand why. Until now. But it affected shutting off the intimacy connection. But I have ran out of excuses. And now I am ready to let my guard down. Restarting the intimacy connection. And falling deeper in love with the half to our whole.
And I am hoping that Step #2 will reveal itself once this quest is complete.
Love will always be an anchor when the seas are rough.
