Nothing like a reality gut check

I stayed up way too late last night. Way too late. But I was on fire. I was on a mission. There was no deadline. But I needed to get a win.

Somehow. In whatever way. I needed a small win. Even if that meant staying up until 1am.

My husband woke me up at 630 and I slowly, with one eye opened, walked over to papas house and fell back asleep on my spot on the couch. You see….We discovered last Friday that I needed to be out of the house before the kids woke up bc Mr. Man would have a complete nuclear breakdown if he saw me. So off to papas before I’m half awake it is.

Anyways…I heard my phone ring. But I hit ignore because I needed to sleep. Hello!!! Besides…if somebody really wants to talk to me…they can text or leave a voicemail.

I finally wake up about an hr after that phone call. I check my VM (bc the box is full…whoops…) and it was Mr. Mans teacher that called. And I haven’t stopped crying since. I’d blame allergies but that is a total lie. In #RealLife fashion…I haven’t taken my happy pills since pre life saving operatipn.

So in all reality…today was bound to happen. I just can’t stop crying today.

Mr. Man is having an extremely (EXTREMELY) rough time transitioning from home to school in the mornings. Like..throwing his backpack around, trying to run off, putting his hood up and not wanting to interact, not wanting to go to recess, invading other kids’ bubbles, etc the list literally goes on. Once he warms up…he does much much better. The transition is hell though.

Before last week’s IEP meeting (that I went to literally a few hours after I got discharged from the hospital thursday)… we were clueless. The staff and teachers never let on to just how bad it has been for our boy.

Oh and he hates his name. He told his teacher it makes him angry when she calls him by his birth name. (Side note: he is exploring his gender identity….and I will for sure have a post on that at a later date). Last week he was Isabel. This week..its fluttershy. Or maybe its Reese? I can’t keep up.

So I am bawling by the end of the voicemail. It takes me 10 mins to text my mom and husband because I just am so lost. Life is forking hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.

I am fully awake by this point. So I start tackling the following (in the following order):

• Call OHSU CDRC to schedule our son to get tested specifically for Autism. Learned I need to get a referral. At the previous appt…they told us to just call and make an appt when we were ready.
• Call the pedi…leave a vm to get a referral
• Call Neurotherapeutics to get status of counselor referral for Mr. Man. They dont have one in Hillsboro. And the best counselor for what we need…special needs and gender identity….is in McMinnville. So I should know next week when our first appt will be. But I will drive to timbuktu 1x a week if I have to to get the help our son needs
• The husband calls bc he is on lunch break…..and I start and cannot stop crying.
• Call the pedi again…leave a VM, this time asking about getting Mr. Man some anti anxiety meds or something to help (I’ve previously had a meeting with the pedi about this but we were hoping we would be able to see a counselor sooner)

Ahhh finally…lunch time. Bawl my eyes out some more. Took 10 mins to email Mr. Mans teacher back. He is saying kids are making fun of him along with some other things.

• Head towards the kids’ school, call the front office and ask how to get started on an IEP/504. End up having a little discussion with Lil’ Miss’ teacher and her OCD is out of this world insane (we knew it….just haven’t found the right combo to help curb it)…and I asked about getting the process started for an IEP or 504 for her. She told me to talk to the counselor (who is not my fave person by any stretch of the imagination)
• Walk over to pick up Mr. Man. Have a little discussion with his teacher….she reminded the class that it’s not ok to make fun of anyone…yadda yadda yadda. Learn that I may or may not be going on a school field trip with Mr. Man tomorrow morning…hard morning transitions remember?
• Leave school, call and leave a vm for the school counselor. Put emphasis on the fact that I have been doing research and talking to other parents in the same boat (remember….this counselor is not my favorite person)
• Take Mr. Man to park A….which he did not want to go to. So off to Park B.
• Get to the park and he is OK with this one! Start calling the pedi again….this time to leave a vm about Lil Miss’ uncontrolled OCD, but they called me back at that exact same time…so I spent 10 mins on the phone with them rehashing what we need help with. She says the Dr will be back tomorrow.
• Get back home and realize just how much pain I am in.

Phew. Are you exhausted just reading that? Because I am!

Life with kiddos that have extra special needs….is insanely rough. This is a life that is not for the lazy or impatient or rigid person. This life is chaotic. It requires high levels of energy, insane amounts of patience….and back breaking flexibility.

Mr. Man battles daily with SPD, a language/communication delay, anxiety, gender creativity, and we suspect he has Autism…mild…but my gut tells me it is there.

Lil Miss battles daily with ADHD, anxiety, and OCD.

I am not a bad parent. I have tried and am still trying all the theories and techniques out there. The next person that tells me that I am not doing x, y, or z….or am not doing this right or that is wrong…..I may just have a few words cocked and ready to be fired. We are doing our best…and if people can’t see that…then oh well. Our life is ours. Not theirs.

My kids have these unfortunate labels because those are their demons. And that is how I can get them help. Without a label….there would be no classroom help…or OT, or speech therapy, or this or that.

Today was most definitely one of the more stormy days in awhile. But somehow…Mr. Man could tell. He didnt want to play on the playground equipment. He wanted to walk the trails. He begged me. And I am so glad I finally did. He pointed out flowers that were starting to grow. We looked at sticks on the ground. We spent a few minutes just talking to eachother.

My day may have been started as a stormy one. But Mr. Man was most definitely my anchor this afternoon.