Realizations

I have struggled with depression over half my life. It has evolved. It has adapted. It has lessened. It has strengthened. But it has never gone away.

I have to constantly work hard every single day in order for it to not let it take ahold of my life. Some days are better than others. Some days, it’s hard to even contemplate taking a shower.

Today, is one of those days where I must put forth 150% effort for my depression to not win today.

I have to re-evaluate how I parent. I wouldn’t say I have failed up till this point. But my parenting style….did not do my kids any favors. So I have to look deep into the type of parent I have been….And that is hard.

I also have to re-evaluate my personal opinions and views. I have decided that I will no longer be posting on social media, any of my political or religious views. They aren’t strong enough, or real enough, and are skewed by misinformation. I have learned that the current state of the world, is a trigger for my depression. And I am putting myself on an extended timeout from the state of the union.

It’s hard looking at yourself thru a critical lens. It makes you feel like a failure. It makes you cry. It makes you hurt. It’s hard hearing from people on how I should do x,y,z and that will help my child do x,y,z….like I haven’t tried it before. But maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind before. Maybe it will work now.

I don’t know. I’m rambling. I’m so sorry.